UnEdited Diary Entry

I haven’t posted in ages, and felt the urge to write, so here I am.
Paul
Paul starts his 4th week of radiation therapy for the prostate cancer, and so far the side effects have been minimal. For those praying, please keep it up. I feel, and he feels, that prayers are carrying him. He’s still putting in as many hours as ever at work; this has not slowed him down externally. (Thank you, God!)

Riley
My just-graduated-from-6th-grade, 5’10”, shaving 12-year-old has started having dreams, in Instant Messaging text. Should I be concerned? Knock him off of that damn X-Box Live more often? He told me he woke up from a dream where he became the god of the cucumbers after he fought a big giant JK (which he informs me means “just kidding” in text messaging. Yes I knew this, but I didn’t want to interrupt his train of thought, as he layed out his “cool dream” for me.). The JK flashed before him and he accepted the challenge. He defeated the JK, which left him as the god of cucumbers. I’m summing up a dream he spent 20 minutes telling me about. Oh, and now, he’s thinking of writing a book about it. Hey, if it gets Riley practicing his writing, I’m not particular of the topic he chooses.

Tayler
The kids have finished up the school year with Tayler being accepted into advanced classes in Literature and Social Studies. She has a summer reading list, and the first book she chose was Whuthering Heights. We picked up two copies, and I’m going to read it with her, and have discussions about what we read each day.

Summer
We are putting both Tayler and Riley on a plane alone for the first time EVER. They want to go to Bible Camp with their cousins in Washington State, and have wanted this since we moved to Arizona. I’m more than a little neurotically concerned. But the desire to do this has been there for years, and I have kept putting them off. The “you’re too young” excuse is gone, and unless I can come up with a feasible reason not to.....

Paul is going to take a week off while they are away, and just plan an Arizona road trip for us to see more of this glorious desert state. This will be a relaxing trip for the two of us, and a chance to capture moments and nature on my camera.

Robby & Cheryl
The newlyweds have settled into their love nest in Gilbert. They have Tayler and Riley over practically one night every other weekend. The kids love their new sister-in-law, and she is awesome with them! Cheryl I know is the woman that Tayler looks up to. Or sees as someone whom she would like to emulate. Ten years ago, that might have bothered me; but I’m Mom, that’s my role. (And frankly, the least she’s like me, the better off her future will be, considering my many mistakes of youth.) Cheryl is beautiful, kind hearted, smart and got that damn college degree. My biggest regret and the one thing I want for my kids is the best start in life they can get. That degree is that start in my mind, and the end of my job as solely a parent. I have a tough time with wanting to relate to them as friends, and realizing I have to be a parent first. Tayler makes it tougher, because of just how responsible, confident and smart she is. I run the risk of allowing her to take on more than her age, no matter how smart she is, can handle.

Me
I’m in a funk. I don’t know if it’s because everything we did for months was building up to the kids’ wedding, and the family that came down from Washington, or...??? I’m so ruled by my emotions and lately I have felt a little emotionless. Just day-to-day living, possibly a little holding of the breath, until we knew how radiation was going to affect Paul.

My “rugrats,” as I affectionately referred to them for so long, are not rugrats any more. They are teenagers (or close to it) and becoming more self-sufficient by the day.

My husband works long hours in his job, and as our “Season” has ended here, we don’t have much going on that we have to attend. I don’t feel like I’m working towards anything right now. I feel a little lost, and not needed. I know that isn’t necessarily true; but as a beloved author once said, “feelings don’t know right from wrong, they just are.”

Right now we’re in a holding pattern until Paul’s radiation therapy is over. So without school activities to run back and forth to, no “work events” to attend and we’re not planning any big vacations this year, I’m not looking towards anything. I find myself antsy and my attention span short.

On top of this, Riley just popped his head into the computer room and asked me what my goals in life were. Ummm, hmmm. I stared at him blankly, and then he provided me with an out by saying, “you want to be a photographer don’t you?” OK? Yes! That’s it. I figure he will have intellectually passed me up by the end of Jr. High, if not sooner. I’d like to say that was a joke, but…

I’m hoping this latest emotionless-phase comes to an end soon. As well as this antsy, can’t sit still and concentrate phase.

I’m off to find out why my son, who doesn’t normally have any questions for me beyond what’s for dinner, asked me that out-of-no-where question.

Love,

3T

Roadside Wildflowers
A perfect time for a Sunday drive, with no particular destination in mind! If you live in Arizona, look out your window! Today is one fine day, meant to be enjoyed.

Me and my best friend, Sony DSLR are headed out for destinations unknown. Oh! And I’m taking the hubby with me!

Whatever you choose to do today, find some joy in it! Find a reason to smile, a reason to laugh. Find a memory for a snapshot in your mind and heart!

Most of all, make the most of it! Whatever that may mean to you.

Love,

3T

Sedona Sunsetting - Teri Maryniak

I grew up on fairytales. Not necessarily the children’s books that end with the damsel finding her Prince, and living happily ever after. I do have vague memories of just such books, like Cinderella, which, face it, when you’re a slob like me with a total distaste for scrubbing floors, didn’t appeal to me much. As I was the oldest, if there was any sibling bullying, it was most likely perpetrated by myself. Not any wicked step-sisters or my real sister. Add to that the fact that I had huge feet for a woman (they do match my height), I saw the Prince hunting for the tiny little footed princess to be discrimination. So that isn’t a good example.

When I hit that delicate age of twelve, when young girls start changing, my fairytales were Harlequin romances. Again, they always ended with the self-sufficient woman finding her Prince and riding off into the sunset together. (In an expensive car, of course) There was one other book I got my hands on at this tender age that I don’t think I’ve ever told my parents I got hold of. “S*x on the Beach,” was inadvertently stuck into the bag of Harlequin Romances that a neighbor lady would send my way, when she was done with them. Now that was an education!  With no happy ending either.

Back to topic. From the too-many-to-count Harlequins I read over those years came the desire to find my rich, handsome, dashing and sexy Knight in Shining Armor. I craved a romance like the ones had by all the beautiful women in the Harlequins. As I was merely 14 or 15 by then, my wait was bound to be years into the future.

Now, as a somewhat jaded and cynical woman of 44, I have come to realize just how damaging those fairytales are to girls and then women. With every fairytale ENDING at till death do us part, no one bothered to tell us there was more. Much, much more to life than what Hollywood and fairytales gave us.

Consequently, I believe there were those of us who searched for their fairytale. Two failed marriages and a few illicit attempts at finding it proved either that it didn’t exist or I wasn’t “good enough” to receive what the rest of the world seemed to already find. At the time, I leaned toward the “I wasn’t getting it right” and I wasn’t worthy of the fairytale.

Now, I finally have my “prince charming.” Translated, that means I found a man who I love and who loves me. One who has some similar interests as mine, and treasured togetherness as much as I do.

Is it a fairytale? Nope! Far from it. At least by Harlequin Romance standards. What we did find was a mate to stand with and work together on life’s many problems. Not quite the carefree fairytale of childhood dreams. But worth fighting for till the very end. An ending that is unknown and goes far beyond “and they lived happily ever after.”

In the seven years that my boyfriend/then husband and I have been together, we have faced sickness, cancer, both threats of it and the real thing, catheters, peri-menopause, bulged discs, financial problems, kids’ schedules that have had both our heads spinning in opposite directions, cat puke, lost jobs, stomach bugs, that if anything are not conducive with romance. Now add broken appliances, flying pieces of roof during monsoon season, broken down vehicles, BBQers catching on fire, pool cleaners that break down yearly, weed-pulling, burnt dinners, the eX-baggage problems, and a few family feuds. Now I ask you, does this sound like happily ever after to you? No, I didn’t think so.

I think that my sub-conscience belief in the fairytale existed right up until we went on our honeymoon. Except as we headed for the plane, we were worried about my job, (lay-offs were imminent) and my mother had breast cancer, with the tests of how exactly advanced it was, still unknown.

It was well after the honeymoon that I gave up the ghost of happily-ever-after. Each day presented its own unique set of problems that had my inner romantic screaming, “That’s not fair!!! I found my Prince, now I want my Happily-f*cking-ever-after!” Before the thought was complete, a new problem would pop up.

And that, dear friends, is life. I’m sure a good deal of women never struggled with this lesson. I however, wasn’t one of them.

Over the years we have learned to snatch moments of happy whenever we could work it in. From trips to far-off places, to playing pinochle on the patio, we steal laughter and love as often as is possible. My clever husband came up with a way to give me moments of happily-ever-after in the form of a daily email that speaks of love and persevering over our problems. Reality with a touch of the melodramatic love story my inner romantic was after.

And it is these moments, trips, emails and laughter we focus on whenever we are faced with a daunting project, sickness and the daily grind.

We are dealing with a possible return of cancer, as I type this. Coming to this point, after all we were able to persevere over, (with prayer and God’s intervention) are two seasoned pro’s that are praying and taking it one day at a time.

There is no emotional melodrama or impatient hand-wringing worry. We know that the future is in God’s hands. And we will be taking this one step at a time. Starting with another PET scan.

Paul’s PSA readings have shot up out of nowhere. One went extremely high, then it came down a week later, and then it really shot up a couple of days after that.

Although we dealt with his prostate cancer and the complications the botched surgery caused, this is new territory. We have searched the internet, asked the doctor, (who’s response from what I gather came down to he didn’t know what was going on) talked to the RNs in our family, and of course prayed. The doctor wanted to get him started in radiation as soon as is possible. WHY? That’s the question of the month right now.

He doesn’t HAVE a prostate. WHY are his PSA readings shooting up? No one seems to know. I guess what I’m hoping at this point, is that somewhere out there in the great big world-wide-web SOMEONE who has had his prostate removed, has experienced what Paul is going through right now, and will run across this and enlighten us.  Fat chance I realize, but one never knows…

We will be searching out a new urologist after the pet scan. This doctor that he’s seeing now, has lied to us on more than a couple of occasions.  For all we know, there was more to that botched surgery than we were told. If that’s the case, the only way to find out is through a new doctor, who has higher ethics and is more concerned with patient care than his ambition.

In the meantime, appliances continue to break down, kids’ schedules must be met, work must continue. Life goes on, but with a new mountain to climb.

Fairytales be damned; but if you believe in the power of prayer, we’re asking for them. If you believe in meditation, healing, positive thoughts, or budha for that matter, we want those thoughts and prayers too. We want some answers to questions that do not seem available to us right now.

We have every intention of attacking this “blip” on our radars with the gusto and aggressiveness of the strong realists I know we have become. Stealing some laughter and love along the way.

And to family that we didn’t share any of this with, we had our reasons. Not to keep you in the dark, but to not spoil some celebrations that deserved nothing but happy thoughts and feelings. Margie, I hear the big 5-0 is the new 40! A very special and Happy Birthday as well as a wonderful year ahead, from Paul and me!  Rob and Cheryl, you’re beginning your lives together, with so many wonderful adventures ahead of you. As well as some rough times; but those adventures and rough times are what help build a strong marriage, when you work together. Besides your relationship with our Savior, make each other your number 1 priority in life. And make love, laughter, fun and good times a priority as well. They’ll see you through those rough times.

With Love,

3T

Christmas Tree 2006 - Teri Johannes

But in a good way. It’s all about family and the many traditions we have with the kids. Although it doesn’t look like we’ll get everything we want to do crammed into this weekend, since their Dad wants them tomorrow, and I have to share.

Mr. 3T and Tayler got a good start on decorating outdoors. Luckily he hasn’t brought up putting anything on the roof this year. I want no broken bones or injuries for the Holidays! My tree has the required hundreds of white lights on it, waiting for me to decorate it.

As it’s Saturday the kids are going to have to pick what we want to do, since there won’t be time to do it all. We always have a bonfire Thanksgiving weekend, complete with marshmallows, chocolate bars and graham crackers. The only problem is our night time temps. have really taken a nose dive. It’s cold-to-the-bone out there!

We also wanted to hit a movie, make a gingerbread house, and Tayler and I were going to do a mani/pedi afternoon, ending with some scrap booking. Something is going to have to give, since there are only so many hours in a day, and their Dad stole Sunday from me! (Yes that was catty and petty)

Pulling Riley away from his X-box 360 has been difficult, so I’m probably going to try and entice him with what he would like to do. Besides playing those damn video games.

I’m finally getting into the Holiday spirit and I know it’s because we didn’t have to be anywhere. One more Festival of the Trees in Chandler, on a Friday night not Saturday like I had originally thought, and the only “have-tos” will be Christmas related!

I’ll have some time to catch up on viewing my Flickr Friends newest creations and some blog reading.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Thanksgiving weekend!

With Love,

3T

Photo by Teri Johannes

WOW. So this is my blog. One I wrote at religously for well over a year. And then down to a couple times a week. To now, where weeks will go by with no new words or thoughts added. I’d like to say it was due to something in life that actually kept me from my keyboard. But that isn’t the case, entirely.

I joke often about my imaginary ADD. (I don’t think I have it) But like the impatient and easily distracted girl of my youth, some things don’t seem to change. Something else has captured my free time to the point of obsession. Much like this weblog did for well over a year. Although both past and present obsessions have one thing in common. They serve as an opportunity to express myself creatively in small ways. Being creative I believe adds color to everyone’s world.

Being creative appeals to our souls. Whether thru drawing, painting, sculpture, words or photos.

Growing up, I was never one of those students who took an art class to bring their grade point up a little when trigonometry took it down, a little too far. Art classes would have taken my GPA to never-before-seen new lows. (Much like French did my last semester) Drawing a completely round circle was a skill I never could quite master. I just assumed I wasn’t a person with any artistic creativity. Sticking it in the same category that singing was under. (My rendition of Barry Manilow’s “Feelings” at age 13, was one none of my family could forget, but that all wished they could.)

My obsession of late has been photography as well as my little place on the web to show my latest results at; Flickr. Now my mind wanders to just about everything around me visually. Would that make an interesting photo? Or how about this unique angle? Or how that gorgeous rose or my adorable rugrats and their day-to-day activities would translate thru the lens. And every now and then something beautiful comes of it. And this feeds a part of my soul.

I am in no way suggesting my obsessions- or creative outlets- are something that I’m exceptional at. I may never be an Ansel Adams or John Steinbeck. But what I’ve finally learned is that it doesn’t really matter. There’s something to that cliche line, “personal best.” At least for me there is.

I would suggest that those who enjoy photography look into Flickr as a place to not only store your digital images, but receive feedback as well. Just like our many blogging “communities” Flickr has a wide range of photographers; from the novice amateur, to the professional photographer. Just as blogging fed my creative side, so is photography.

Now my goal is to find a way to make time for both my loves, old and new. Balance. Always just a little bit out of my reach, but my never ending pursuit.

Since my previous post, I have spent all spare time downloading and editing the photos from our trip to Niagara Falls and New York City. Throwing out the photos that didn’t quite turn out and editing those that just might communicate what I’ve seen thru the lens. Behind those photos lie three full memory cards waiting for me to do something with them.

And of course I stare at my sparsely updated weblog, wistfully as one would a beloved past lover. In between my creative pursuits lies the day-to-day life of a wife and mother. I have got to get a handle on this whole “balance” thing. I refuse to give up on blogging or learning more about photography. My wonderful and supportive husband just bought me my first SLR digital camera. OK, he bought it for me like three or four months ago. But that complicated big thing scares me, and I’ve yet to take it out and snap some photos with it. I’ll get there, eventually.

I’ll continue to strive for balance and organizing my time, so I can entertain both loves, and be an attentive wife and mother as well.

To all the fathers:

I hope all the fathers out there had a relaxing and fun day yesterday. Your job as Dad is important, and should be acknowledged as such. And to the unsung heroes, those step-dads who quietly take their role seriously, filling in any gaps they see; and rarely receiving the appropriate acknowledgement, I hope you received some of the honor due you. And say a prayer of “Thanks” for the special man that holds that role in my children’s lives. What you bring to their lives, no other person on earth could. I’m humbled that you chose to take on that role and continue to do so, with love and grace.

Love,

3T

Kevin and I took off mid-day Christmas day to our favorite hide-away in Laughlin, Nevada. The kids had a great Christmas, as did we. We opted for the resort buffet Christmas Day to skip all the work, and the kids loved being able to pick and choose Christmas dinner. (And we got out of town a little earlier too!)

After all the work and socializing and enjoyment that is the Holiday Season, it has always been our tradition to ditch town, just the two of us, and de-compress! We were excited to pull up in the driveway today, rested and re-connected as a couple.

Of course, it’s all sorts of football games from here until, oh I don’t know, till hell feezes over? I can’t keep up, and don’t want to waste brain space attempting to. Suffice it to say, Kevin will happily watch game after game after game, while I happily blog on and on and on.

We have a New Years Eve party to attend at Oh-Girl’s house, which should be fun. Although Rhonda, we’re old, and late nights rarely work for us. So if we bail before midnight, please understand worn out old people need their beauty sleep. Hey, and at 10:00 PM our time, it will be midnight in New York, which technically willl mean we made it until midnight. (Don’t argue with me, this is how I see it)

Once again, another Christmas Season comes to an end, which in some ways makes me sad; and of course, the parent in me breathes a sigh of relief. Although my tree and outdoor lights WILL remian on in full force until New Years Day. It’s tradition, and one must never mess with tradition.

Well, I hear a jacuzzi screaming my name full force. (That could be my aching muscles screaming for the jacuzzi.) Either way I’m on it!

Hope everyone’s Christmas was full of joy, happiness, and above all, time with loved ones.

Love,

3T

I don’t have breast cancer; that I know of. And I won’t know for sure for over a month. According to Ira Blecker, M.D., the findings, after a mammogram, spot-compression-mammogram and ultrasound are; “two nodules in the upper outer quadrant. No suspicious calcifications or architectural distortion is seen. Left breast ultrasound was performed and demonstrates two hypoechoic smoothly marginated oval shaped nodules in the 11 o’clock position, 4- and 7-cm from the nipple measuring 1.2 x 1.0 x 1.3 cm and 1.0 x 0.7 x 1.0 cm respectively. No other solid or cystic masses are seen. There are no abnormal areas of shadowing.”

Impression: “There are two smoothly marginated hypoechoic nodules in the upper outer quadrant of the left breast, probably fibroadenoma; however, either followup left breast ultrasound in six-months or MRI scan is recommended.”

ASSESSMENT: “3 - Probably benign.”

Excuse me; Ira was it? “ PROBABLY BENIGN” ISN’T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!  PARDON ME IF I SEEM RUDE OR PUSHY, BUT IN THIS DAY AND AGE, WHEN THEY PUSH MAMMOGRAMS FOR EARLY DETECTION, FOR BETTER SURVIVAL OUTCOME, “PROBABLY BENIGN” ISN’T QUITE SCIENTIFIC ENOUGH FOR MY TASTES! BETTER STILL, DEALING WITH A WOMAN DOCTOR, WHO ACTUALLY HAS A PAIR OF TITS, AND UNDERSTANDS THE IMPLICATIONS OF BREAST CANCER, WOULD BE BEST FOR EVERYONE CONCERNED. OK, ADMITTEDLY I’M ONLY CONCERNED; WITH MY FEELINGS ON THIS ISSUE! MAY I SUGGEST, IRA DEAR, THAT YOU TAKE A COURSE ON CREATIVE WRITING, OR IF THAT MAY BE TOO TIME CONSUMING, HOW TO WRITE A MEDICAL REPORT, THAT IS MORE SPECIFIC. CUZ FRANKLY IRA SWEETIE, DROPPING THE BALL FOR 6 FUCKING MONTHS, WELL, IT JUST ISN’T AN OPTION. TAKING INTO ACCOUNT MY FAMILY HISTORY OF BREAST CANCER, (MY MOTHER) THAT YES YOU KNOW ACCORDING TO MY MEDICAL CHART AND THE DISCHARGE FROM THE SAME BREAST, IT MIGHT WARRANT, MAYBEPOSSIBLY FURTHER INVESTIGATION? Just a thought Ira DEAR!

I’ve done the research, in fact it is all I have been doing since I received the results last week. I’ve consulted with my primary care doctor (who is thorough and a God send into our family. Since she’s the one who pushed further investigation, that led to finding Kevin’s prostate cancer.) who believes I need a little more invasive testing under all of the circumstances. Dr. Merzenich who is sending me to a specialist who only deals with breast health and has a stellar reputation. And is a WOMAN. And I have to tell you, of all my years in dealing with physicians, the best, the most thorough, professional physicians have ALWAYS been women hands down. Of course this is my humble opinion, but having no less than 4 BAD MALE doctors, who can only be described as fucking uncaring idiots with greatly irrational God complexes, I feel fairly qualified to make this judgment.

OK, yes when I think about the report, I become angry. And I have to tell you, after a day of not being able to do anything but cry, I prefer the anger.

I did so well after the first mammogram, I felt confident and fairly informed, knowing the majority of tumors ARE benign. I’ve read all the articles on breast cancer, had learned some from when my mother went though her ordeal of breast cancer and a double mastectomy. So I wasn’t panicked or overly dramatic about the whole issue. Frankly even after the second reports came down, I was only disillusioned. Mainly due to Ira’s rather unscientific and vague evaluation. Although the chances are small that these tumors are a malignancy, but are only benign fibroadenomas, leaving it to chance for 6 mos. just didn’t make sense to me. Six months of untreated malignancies could take it from a stage one to a stage two, or further. That isn’t a thought I’m comfortable with.

The more I studied fibroadenomas, the less they seemed like an open and shut case of classic fibroadenomas. My age as a factor? Fibroadenomas are mainly found in women in their 20’s and 30’s. Occasionally in young ladies in their teens. The minority are women above 40, for this type of tumor. I’m 43 for the record, and had no fibroadenomas on my last mammogram one and a half years ago.

Multiple fibroadenomas are not the norm either. Although it does happen, but only a small percentage(8-10% if you want to get specific) of the time. The research I studied also pointed to the fact that fibroadenomas and carcinomas features, can and do overlap. Taking into consideration that mammography cannot be used to distinguish a fibroadenoma, a cyst, and a carcinoma with certainty because of some overlap in the findings. ALL of the entities may appear as smooth masses. In the end of my crash course in breast cysts, tumors, lesions, calcifications, carcinomas and fiboradenomas the final consensus seemed to be that definitive diagnosis requires palpation- or image guided biopsy.

What I find as sad, is I had to go hunting for this information. Had I left myself to trust the doctor who wrote the report, I would not have known this. If you want to look on the positive side of things, I guess its good we live in the age of the internet, where this information is readily available.

What I also discovered in my crash course, is that in the state of Arizona, doctors do not have to be licensed in the reading of mammograms. A science that is so obviously not an exact science, can be interpreted by any physician, whether they are qualified to make these interpretations or not. These leads me to the conclusion, that if ANYTHING suspicious shows up on your mammogram it would behoove you to push for further testing! ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF BREAST CANCER.