UnEdited Diary Entry

Purging Thoughts

The beginning of October also means the pace of our life picks up, and doesn’t let up until well after Christmas. I think this last week mentally for me was gearing up to, and accepting that fact. I got the kids Bi-Annual dentist appts. out of the way and have the appts. set up for their flu vaccination this next Saturday. Our parental duties to their general healthcare now complete.

This past week I started seeing a Chiropractor, and will continue to do so on average of two times a week. So far she has provided more relief from the head aches and neck/back problems then Dr. Tall Dark and Handsome at the Pain Clinic, my General practitioner and a Neurologist put together. And has provided it without me having to be on narcotic pain relievers. And that is fantastic! Narcotics are a faulty band aid, that does nothing for the problem but mask it, and possibly leaves you vulnerable to becoming addicted. (They have their place in medicine, although dealing with chronic pain when there are other alternatives should not be one of them) In my humble opinion of course.

I started my photography class this last Saturday, and I think I am going to enjoy going. I know I learned enough yesterday to actually pick up the camera and not be intimidated by it, which for me is a definite start. I took my first few pictures using my family as models. Professional photography is not anywhere in my near future, but I’m going to enjoy learning what I can anyway. And possibly learn how to use the computer WITH the camera. We’ll see, one step at a time.

Tayler had her first basketball game yesterday, so we were there cheering her on. Well as much as she got the ball that is. She is the only girl on her basketball team, and clearly the boys see her as filler out there. That is not to say this team has any skill beyond my little angel, they lost by well over 30 points. (Nope, wasn’t much to watch) When did team sports resort to co-ed? When I was in school we had boys teams and girls teams, and everyone got a shot at handling the ball. Damn I hate sports! Cut throat BS. And I always seem to walk away angry.

I enjoyed when she played tennis, and she has the upper body strength to excel in it. Unfortunately the X pushed her too hard, scheduling tournaments she really wasn’t ready for, and pushing her to practice EVERY single day.(To the point of her hands being bloody and blistered) I don’t believe parents should push their children that hard. Tayler is a focused young lady, but has more of a sense of balance in life then her own father. I would very much like to bounce the basketball up side the X’s head, possibly knocking some common sense in to him. Although I doubt it would work, and would land me in jail for domestic violence. (Bad joke, sorry) See what I mean about sports making me angry?

I think I just had an epiphany! I now believe it to not be sports that make me angry. I think it is my X’s mentality, and the way he pushes my kids into sports. That idiot is trying to make a child prodigy out of one of his kids, where there isn’t one. Please, they are my children too, and I have no sports ability or sense of competition whatsoever. I admit Tayler has a propensity towards sports, and a strong sense of competition. But there is a big difference between supporting ones kids in that, and trying to push them into being something they are not. I see a butting of heads with the X in my near future. (It won’t be the first, nor the last)

Riley, my dear sweet Satan’s Spawn has no interest in sports whatsoever. He likes to play them with friends once in a while, but just never seemed to be able to engage himself in organized sports. I hope he finds something extra curricular that does engage him, but I am not about to force him into it. He loves to draw, and is getting very good at it. So I like to encourage his drawing ability when I can. I pray a lot for this child. He will be starting a program that is similar to Sylvan soon, I hope that it helps him feel some success and motivates him, fingers crossed.

On a positive note, my wonderful husband received a promotion this last week. A big one, that takes him out of the newsroom, and puts him more into a managerial business role. This was a big step for him after well over 30 years in a newsroom, and I think he will do well at it. This new role means attending a few more functions then we do normally during Arizona’s Season, a point I’m not completely comfortable with. I love our alone time at home, and hope it doesn’t diminish it too much. His decision to take this position wasn’t an easy one, and was done after much prayer on both of our parts. So he enters this new phase of his career, knowing we sought guidance from God, and our future is in His hands.

This past Friday the hubby took the day off, and we headed for our annual visit to Schnepf Farms aka The Pumpkin Patch. It is like attending an old time country fair, and has provided us with wonderful memories now for the last 4 years. From the twangy country music band, to the home made pies, chili and corn bread, to the haunted train ride that goes all over their farm, it seems to have something for all of us. For me, I love the laid back atmosphere, and would choose this event over the downtown Phoenix State Fair any day!

Today we are off to pick out Halloween costumes! All of us. I LOVE Halloween, and the opportunity to play dress up at this time of year! And this is the year that we are hosting the Halloween party. So I also get to pick up scary decorations, and plan a party menu. If any of my AZ Blogger friends would like to attend, shoot me an email and let me know, I’ll give you directions. Our party will be October 29th 6:00 PM to whenever I fall asleep. We will all vote on best costume, voting will be around 8:00 PM for which there will be a stupendous prize! (I think so anyway)

I have not forgotten the Jr. Bloggers or the meme that I committed to, but it seems I am going to push it back a little, my priority being to my Domestic Violence posts thru October, and my need to purge thoughts out of my head so I can function each day without being sidetracked. I know I’ve fallen down on the job, when my Jr. Blogger keeps asking me for the URL of the newest Jr. Bloggers and I keep putting her off. I could take lessons in organization from Tayler. Damn that kid is organized and efficient!

OK, I’ve rambled on enough, the kids will be up soon, and the chaos will continue. I think I will try and get Tayler to help me with party plans. She’ll keep me on track and more organized anyway.

I hope everyone is having a relaxing and fun week-end!

Close it Up

3T (3rd Times a Charm)
Sunday • 10.16.2005 • 04:16 AM • (Personal) (UnEdited Diary Entry)
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Personal Diary Post

(A need to lighten up a little bit)

It’s only Wednesday, and I am already looking towards the week-end! Some of my Home-girls and the hubby and I are headed to Phoenix to see Journey in an outdoor concert at Cricket Pavilion, staying the night at a hotel within walking distance of the concert. Journey has long since been a favorite group of mine from the 80’s.One the hubby enjoys as well. Of course we have “a song” that is ours done by Journey as well. Don’t Stop Believing has been one of “our songs” from the days when we were just dating. And is always listened to at full volume. I am very much looking forward to breaking out of life for 24 hours to enjoy good music and fun friends!

This last week-end with the kids we took them to see March of the Penguins. Fantastic movie! All four of us enjoyed it thoroughly, not really knowing much of anything about these strong and unique animals/birds? (Obviously didn’t listen quite close enough) They are such beautiful creatures, and have some unique traits, that make seeing this movie a “must see!” I know I am way late considering this movie has been out for some time now. As I don’t care for the crowds that accompany “new releases” I am quite content to sit back and wait for the crowds to die down before checking them out.

Took the kids out to dinner afterwards. It was a fun way to spend a kids week-end! That Sunday we took them for the annual school clothes shopping trip! Kevin took Riley once we hit the mall, and I took Tayler. Needless to say, I had far more luck with Tayler then Kevin had with Riley. It really wasn’t fair to send Kevin off with our “most challenging child” in just about anything. Splitting up based on the boys and the girls just seemed logical. By the time we hooked back up, Kevin looked a bit on the frazzled side, and Riley looked satisfied. Seems the only thing Riley was interested in was getting an ice cream cone, and to hell with clothes shopping. They came out with a minimal amount of shopping done. Tayler was completely finished by the time we were done. (Sorry Kevin)

So in honor of Journey coming to Phoenix this Saturday I wanted to dwell on it a bit! (Builds excitement and anticipation)

--What is your favorite Journey Song?
--Why?
--Is there anyone out there who does not like Journey?
--Why?
--Do you relate their music to any special memories?
--What’s the memory?

C’mon, tell me, I’m curious.

3T (3rd Times a Charm)
Wednesday • 10.05.2005 • 07:23 AM • (Personal) (UnEdited Diary Entry)
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Migraine Meltdown & Verbal Vomit

I am either on the 4th or 5th straight day of a migraine meltdown. I have more pills in my system then a junkie. None of which are giving much relief for very long. I’m thankful I don’t have brain tumors or cancer, but that doesn’t stop the pain. The pain is driving me to irritable depression and is making me angry. I finally broke down and did the one thing doctors hate most. I called the answering service and put in a request for a phone call back, on a Saturday. As I had a neck procedure done on Thursday, which amounts to about 8 needle stabs to the back of my neck, I had this pain on top of the migraine.

A somewhat irritated doctor told me to take more pills. Which it did cut some of the blinding pounding pain. Unfortunately it lowered my resistance to combat the negative irritable comments that seem to fly out of my mouth (or keyboard) I have found myself having to apologize every other hour to my husband who should be up for Sainthood by the time this migraine subsides. This man has more patience then any first grade teacher.

He has nursed me thru out the day today. Filling my hot water bottle with ice every hour, bringing me coffee, water, pop and running clear to AJ’s to pick me up a piece of their sinful carrot cake. He made me a delicious dinner of King Crab legs, rib eye steak, a loaf of French bread, broccoli, and drawn garlic butter and a cube of fresh butter for the bread! He even sat thru a chick flick that I thought was lame and corny. But still my easily irritated brain snapped at him more then a few times.

Yesterday I had a procedure to numb the nerve endings on the right side of my neck. Migraine was there prior to the procedure, but by the time one eye opened up this morning, I had steel drums playing on my skull. God Bless schedule II painkillers! Next time it would behoove me to put masking tape over my mean mouth. Luckily the kids are with their father for the week-end. My daughters sensitivity would not be able to handle her grouchy mom. Satan’s Spawn (Riley) probably wouldn’t notice, lol.

2005 will go down as one of the worst years I have had as far as physical pain and ailments are concerned. It is starting to get to me. Very discouraging on several different fronts. Tonight was date night with Kevin, and it was cancelled due to my pain. I hate it when that happens. He is very compassionate and giving, and sometimes I feel like he deserves better then a woman afflicted with chronic ailments and pain.

We are going to go away to Laughlin the 3rd week of September, just the two of us. These mini vacations go a long way in reconnecting as lovers and best friends. But that 3rd week of September seems way off in the distance right now. I know it will speed by far faster then I think though.

Besides the pain this past week, I was flattened by a few comments from someone I love dearly, and who I want to respect me. (Not the hubby, he really is up for sainthood) The comments had to do with my blog and my writing. I love this person dearly, which would explain why the criticism hurt so much. I hadn’t shared my web site with this person until very recently. I didn’t want to leave room for this person to critique me. I love writing, putting my feelings to words. It is cathartic mentally and emotionally. And challenges me to work harder at improving my writing. Not to pursue it in any professional capacity, just for my own sense of accomplishment.

I have always enjoyed creative writing clear back into the 4th grade, when I had a teacher who encouraged me and praised my efforts. In 5th grade I was awarded with a creative writing award in front of my whole school. This did more for my confidence and self esteem as a child, then anything else. I loved that teacher. She was warm, caring, encouraging, and made me feel like she genuinely liked me. Mrs. Stebbins was the best.

I have not journeled consistently in a long while. Finding blogging brought a new hobby to my life that very few things have in the last decade. I didn’t want it tainted by criticism by those I love. So to tell this person was a big step for me. This person praised a few of my efforts for a while, and then casually dropped a bomb shell on it this week. I don’t think it was said necessarily out of maliciousness or to shame me. But that was the results.

Honestly it broke my heart.When you love someone, and want them in your life, it makes you vulnerable. I can take the occasional heckler, or criticism from anonymous bloggers and laugh it off or roll my eyes. But it has been unbearable this last few days, dwelling on what was said, and then trying to second guess this persons motives. It put a damper on this hobby. I would look at my blog template and feel humiliated and hurt, when it used to fill me with a happy contentedness.

It is not easy trying to put a post together, making sure the sentence structure was the best I could do.(and yes it was a labor of love I enjoyed) Choosing what to write and trying to create the best story I could. I felt it was exercising my brain, and I would re read the post, what I put together and feel good about it. Maybe even some pride in my efforts. I kept my name anonymous in my blog, using the name Tamber instead of my real name Teri, because I didn’t want to risk criticism from people that I loved. My husbands name was changed to “Kevin”, more to keep him from any possible recognition at his work place.

Once I told this person about my blog, and a few slip ups from blogger friends, and my husband slipping up a few times, it seemed ridiculous to continue to use the pseudo name. My husband shall remain “Kevin” for the reason I listed. I didn’t take my husbands last name when we married, so being discovered by his work is slim to begin with.

What this person told me was, “Teri they are not really your stories to begin with. And you have had to ask me questions about some of the facts, so your memory isn’t creating the story either.” This was in context to an opinion I ask, on an entirely different subject, so I’m not sure why this person had to say that to me. It was hurtful and only served to shame me. He/She took it even further, by adding “You need to have interaction more with “real people” face to face, not someone else sitting at a computer all day.

So he/she sideswiped me on my writing and then diminished any friendships that were cultivating from blogging as well. I almost feel the need to defend myself. I know I am not perfect, I know I will never be a great writer, but damn it I enjoy it! I took some pride in it. Writing and the interactions that the comment box provides made me feel good. I enjoyed encouraging other in their writing. Letting them know when a particular post moved me, touched me or made me laugh. I fully enjoyed getting to know people thru their writing, on what I consider to be a much deeper level, then the day to day small talk of acquaintances.

I have more then a few friends that have nothing to do with the blog world, who I see when their schedule and mine match up. I love these friends dearly. I have grown to love quite a few of my “blog friends”. Good people, pen pals in a sense. They are warm, caring, encouraging and kind people, that I consider friends. Am I mistaken in my belief that these people are my friends? Personally I don’t think so. The friendships are different in the sense that they are not necessarily a part of my day to day life. But sharing our thoughts and feelings here, gives me a fuller sense of who they are. Sometimes getting to know more about them, then some of the acquaintances in my day to day life. The blogging friends have encouraged me and when I needed prayer, they too were there for me. As I am praying for them. How could this not be “real”? Different? Yes. But I do not believe this is diminished or somehow not real because they live across the country, or on an island.

I am sure this person thought he/she was helping me. But it only served to hurt me. My life has more balance today, then it ever did 10 years ago. I keep my priorities straight. My kids and husband always comes first. My house well it will never be spotless, it just never seemed to be high up on my priority list, even before blogging. A board game with my kids, a card game with my husband always wins out hands down over scrubbing the tile floors. OK, I’m rambling, or trying to defend myself.

They say you hurt the ones you love. Or they hurt you. This conversation has had me in heart broken tears since it happened. I trusted that I had communicated thoroughly how close to my heart my new hobby was to me. How vulnerable I was to criticism from this person. I trusted him/her to safe guard this piece of information about my life. I wanted this persons approval and respect. Probably far more then I should have. He/She pissed on it instead. This person is someone who will remain in my life for the rest of my life. I will love he/she forever.

The dilemma being how to keep them close, without leaving myself open to being humiliated and diminished any further. This was not the first time I ended up feeling this way. Frankly it is only one of many, which is why they were not told for a long time about my blog. I held out hope, that this time would be different, and it was for a while. But anymore, I feel like I can no longer share my interests or my love of something with them, for fear of being hurt this bad again.

I know a good deal of this is my problem. Intellectualizing that I just not allow myself to react, when shame based comments or advice are thrown my way. But knowing something does not stop the emotions when you love someone. All I wanted was approval and respect and love from him/her. An unconditional live and let live. I have always tried to encourage this person in their hobbies, their passions. Happy they had found joy in what they work on, whatever form it takes. I have given this consciously. And it was all I wanted from this person. This person I think may be incapable of giving me this on any kind of consistent basis. And that makes me very sad, and frustrated.

Writing this, is my way of trying to let it go now. I love this person,and always want to be able to honor him/her. But when something like this happens, it makes it really hard for me to give them the honor that is their just due. I love all of my blogger friends, and you know who you are. I am writing this in hopes of it being cathartic. In hopes that I will let it go, move forward, and finally learn what I can share and not share about my life, that won’t leave me vulnerable to this type of hurt again.

My prayer for myself, is that I can let it go, and recapture the joy I have had regarding online journaling, and the friendships that have stemmed out here in Blogland. Instead of being reminded of the hurtful words that I allowed to steal my joy when I sit at this computer and start typing.

A cute quip I read in the AZ Republic newspaper:

Why we need friends:
To help us see our silver lining, when we can’t see it for ourselves.

I hope everyone is having a joy filled relaxing week-end.

3T

Close it Up

3T (3rd Times a Charm)
Saturday • 08.27.2005 • 05:07 PM • (Personal) (UnEdited Diary Entry)
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