Personal

Tonight is a cocktail party at the Mesa Arts Center, for the 25th Anniversary of The Child Crisis Center; honoring past and present volunteers. A worthwhile and much needed charity to help children, when they need it most, I’m happy to honor those who dedicate time and energy to help kids.

The Untied Food Bank dinner and auction was enjoyable. I have not been in the mood for socializing or going to these events lately, so I was surprised that I enjoyed myself as much as I did. My admiration for those who dedicate their work, energies and volunteer hours to feed those in need is strong. So winning the bid in a couple of the donated items in the auction was a happy occasion twofold. The money went to an admirable charity, and I walked away with a couple Christmas gifts.

After this Saturday’s event for the Mesa Arts Center itself, we should get a break from charity events until after the Holidays. Just in time to start running around preparing for the Holidays. I swear it seems like I just did that! Each year speeds by a little faster than the previous.

But now, I’m just looking forward to not having any events scheduled for a while.

I don’t have breast cancer; that I know of. And I won’t know for sure for over a month. According to Ira Blecker, M.D., the findings, after a mammogram, spot-compression-mammogram and ultrasound are; “two nodules in the upper outer quadrant. No suspicious calcifications or architectural distortion is seen. Left breast ultrasound was performed and demonstrates two hypoechoic smoothly marginated oval shaped nodules in the 11 o’clock position, 4- and 7-cm from the nipple measuring 1.2 x 1.0 x 1.3 cm and 1.0 x 0.7 x 1.0 cm respectively. No other solid or cystic masses are seen. There are no abnormal areas of shadowing.”

Impression: “There are two smoothly marginated hypoechoic nodules in the upper outer quadrant of the left breast, probably fibroadenoma; however, either followup left breast ultrasound in six-months or MRI scan is recommended.”

ASSESSMENT: “3 - Probably benign.”

Excuse me; Ira was it? “ PROBABLY BENIGN” ISN’T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!  PARDON ME IF I SEEM RUDE OR PUSHY, BUT IN THIS DAY AND AGE, WHEN THEY PUSH MAMMOGRAMS FOR EARLY DETECTION, FOR BETTER SURVIVAL OUTCOME, “PROBABLY BENIGN” ISN’T QUITE SCIENTIFIC ENOUGH FOR MY TASTES! BETTER STILL, DEALING WITH A WOMAN DOCTOR, WHO ACTUALLY HAS A PAIR OF TITS, AND UNDERSTANDS THE IMPLICATIONS OF BREAST CANCER, WOULD BE BEST FOR EVERYONE CONCERNED. OK, ADMITTEDLY I’M ONLY CONCERNED; WITH MY FEELINGS ON THIS ISSUE! MAY I SUGGEST, IRA DEAR, THAT YOU TAKE A COURSE ON CREATIVE WRITING, OR IF THAT MAY BE TOO TIME CONSUMING, HOW TO WRITE A MEDICAL REPORT, THAT IS MORE SPECIFIC. CUZ FRANKLY IRA SWEETIE, DROPPING THE BALL FOR 6 FUCKING MONTHS, WELL, IT JUST ISN’T AN OPTION. TAKING INTO ACCOUNT MY FAMILY HISTORY OF BREAST CANCER, (MY MOTHER) THAT YES YOU KNOW ACCORDING TO MY MEDICAL CHART AND THE DISCHARGE FROM THE SAME BREAST, IT MIGHT WARRANT, MAYBEPOSSIBLY FURTHER INVESTIGATION? Just a thought Ira DEAR!

I’ve done the research, in fact it is all I have been doing since I received the results last week. I’ve consulted with my primary care doctor (who is thorough and a God send into our family. Since she’s the one who pushed further investigation, that led to finding Kevin’s prostate cancer.) who believes I need a little more invasive testing under all of the circumstances. Dr. Merzenich who is sending me to a specialist who only deals with breast health and has a stellar reputation. And is a WOMAN. And I have to tell you, of all my years in dealing with physicians, the best, the most thorough, professional physicians have ALWAYS been women hands down. Of course this is my humble opinion, but having no less than 4 BAD MALE doctors, who can only be described as fucking uncaring idiots with greatly irrational God complexes, I feel fairly qualified to make this judgment.

OK, yes when I think about the report, I become angry. And I have to tell you, after a day of not being able to do anything but cry, I prefer the anger.

I did so well after the first mammogram, I felt confident and fairly informed, knowing the majority of tumors ARE benign. I’ve read all the articles on breast cancer, had learned some from when my mother went though her ordeal of breast cancer and a double mastectomy. So I wasn’t panicked or overly dramatic about the whole issue. Frankly even after the second reports came down, I was only disillusioned. Mainly due to Ira’s rather unscientific and vague evaluation. Although the chances are small that these tumors are a malignancy, but are only benign fibroadenomas, leaving it to chance for 6 mos. just didn’t make sense to me. Six months of untreated malignancies could take it from a stage one to a stage two, or further. That isn’t a thought I’m comfortable with.

The more I studied fibroadenomas, the less they seemed like an open and shut case of classic fibroadenomas. My age as a factor? Fibroadenomas are mainly found in women in their 20’s and 30’s. Occasionally in young ladies in their teens. The minority are women above 40, for this type of tumor. I’m 43 for the record, and had no fibroadenomas on my last mammogram one and a half years ago.

Multiple fibroadenomas are not the norm either. Although it does happen, but only a small percentage(8-10% if you want to get specific) of the time. The research I studied also pointed to the fact that fibroadenomas and carcinomas features, can and do overlap. Taking into consideration that mammography cannot be used to distinguish a fibroadenoma, a cyst, and a carcinoma with certainty because of some overlap in the findings. ALL of the entities may appear as smooth masses. In the end of my crash course in breast cysts, tumors, lesions, calcifications, carcinomas and fiboradenomas the final consensus seemed to be that definitive diagnosis requires palpation- or image guided biopsy.

What I find as sad, is I had to go hunting for this information. Had I left myself to trust the doctor who wrote the report, I would not have known this. If you want to look on the positive side of things, I guess its good we live in the age of the internet, where this information is readily available.

What I also discovered in my crash course, is that in the state of Arizona, doctors do not have to be licensed in the reading of mammograms. A science that is so obviously not an exact science, can be interpreted by any physician, whether they are qualified to make these interpretations or not. These leads me to the conclusion, that if ANYTHING suspicious shows up on your mammogram it would behoove you to push for further testing! ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF BREAST CANCER.

As I’ve aged, I notice each year seems to go by faster than the previous one. Seriously, this is mildly upsetting to me. I’ll be 43 soon, and I’m not happy about it. Where did the last decade go?

I’ve aged a decade in the last two years. Looking at photos from the beginning of my relationship with my husband, and then photos over the last two years, the number and depth of the wrinkles setting in is alarming.

My oldest and his fiance have broken off their engagement. On some levels this makes me sad. On others? Well, I have secretly felt they were too young to get married.

My oldest is hurting over the broken engagement, which upsets me and brings out the Mommy in me. I find myself more than a little resentful at his X-fiance.

On the other hand, it has me counting all of her faults and weaknesses, which makes me thankful this wedding never happened.

I wish I could take the pain away from my son, and make it feel better. I know I can’t, which is frustrating!

Someone close to me is going through marital problems that are severe. It shakes my emotions to the core, to think of this couple divorcing.

Riley (my 11 yr old son) continues to improve on his school work and behavior this year. Fingers and toes crossed he continues in this direction. I do believe his new teacher, and her positive attitude has a good deal to do with this.

Tayler (my 12 yr old daughter) seems to be thriving in Jr High School. This brings smiles to my face and heart. She has quit playing “get into character” (for her desired, future acting career) at school. She does start another drama class this Saturday, as well as a basketball team this week.

Getting into routine this year has proven a little trickier than in past years, although I’m not sure why. Possibly it’s due to driving to two different schools every morning and afternoon, at two different times. And being concerned for both kids. Riley is in 5th grade and this is a tough year of learning. Starting out behind from last year can make it tougher. Tayler starting Jr. High School had me worried, since my thinking is that Jr. High kids are the most sadistic, mean little shits, ricocheting with an overload of hormones to boot! It seems my worrying was wasted energy, at least at the moment, with both kids doing well.

Now that I have the routine down, the husband and I are taking off for a week starting September 18th. Back to “our playground” in Laughlin, Nevada. This trip, we have a room at the Colorado Belle WITH a balcony facing the river. Nothing relaxes me more, than being able to sit on a balcony and gaze at a body of water. People watching is fun too.

Yes, I started blogging again, just in time to take off for another week.

I am keeping mindful of the amount of time I sit at the computer blogging. My neck and back have improved tremendously since I quit sitting at the computer for 5 hours a day. Which means I may make it around to all my reads, not quite as often as in the past. I still love you though.

BALANCE is the name of the game. Something that I lose when my obsessive/compulsive tendencies kick in. When I find something I enjoy, like blogging, I lose my perspective and spend too much time doing it. So keeping a constant eye on balance takes conscious effort on my part.
BALANCE = GOOD
OBSESSING = BAD

Although I obsess, I’m also easily distracted. I am smack in the middle of reading three books. My goal is to finish at least one of them this week. (Yes I know I have an easy life, and refuse to feel guilty because of it. OK, I’m trying not to feel guilty.)

My three books that I’m reading right now are:

Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, PH.D.  A book I highly recommend for mothers raising a pre-teen or teenage daughter. It’s basically an easy read, and deals with the many problems young girls face today. Presented through therapy sessions with the girls themselves, this insightful book is a wonderful aid in trying to raise young women with strength, confidence and a healthy sense of self. More than a little challenging, during a time when our culture is saturated through the media, with unrealistic ideals of beauty, images of dehumanized sex, and a myriad of addictions and sexually transmitted diseases. As depressing as this sounds, Dr. Pipher gives practical guidance in dealing with the pitfalls of raising healthy daughters. A must-read for parents of young girls. (OK, I’m thinking I want to finish this one first.)

Straight Up and Dirty by Stephanie Klein I’m loving it, much like I enjoy watching episodes of Sex and the City. Shephanie’s writing style makes this easy to immerse myself into her life. I find myself relating to her, as far as some of her feelings and insecurities about herself and relationships. With the backdrop of NYC that adds a sense of glamour, this book is a pleasurable read.

And a book I started recently, that drew me in immediately, is Swapping Lives by Jane Green. I picked up this book because I had read one of her previous books that I remember enjoying years ago. As I’m not that far into this one, I can’t give an accurate description yet. According to the cover, it deals with the effects of a husband’s repeated infidelity.

Besides these three, I have over a dozen more to read, before I’ll allow myself to buy another one.

I have not been successful in my goal to quit smoking. Although I’m not giving up on quitting. I WILL succeed, eventually. Although I have pushed back my next “quit date” until after we get back from Laughlin. People smoke WAY TOO MUCH in that town, so trying to not smoke there isn’t going to work. I need at least a month of not smoking under my belt before going back to Laughlin.

OK, I think I’ve pretty much emptied out the rambling thoughts, for now anyway. I hope all of you have a productive and stress-free Wednesday.

Love,

3T

I can’t let today go by without an update for all you good people who were so supportive of both me and 3T in recent months. Yes, today is exactly two months since I went under the knife for my prostate cancer.

In the last month, I am happy to say, my physical condition has improved significantly, though a few problems linger that both 3T and I believe we’ll conquer too. My red cell count, cut in half by a knicked artery that kept me for 10 hours on the OR table, is back to normal. The surgical wounds are still not quite healed, but are getting there. My stamina and strength are largely back. The other counts show the cancer is gone.

The issues that remain are too embarassing and too personal to mention, but anyone who has had the surgery or studied it can probably guess. And anyone out there who is reading this and just now beginning to struggle with what to do about prostate cancer can just contact 3T and I’ll be happy to answer any questions.

But none of these problems, I believe, will be life-long. This has been a tremendous ordeal, as some of you know. And that’s the best part of this second month anniversary: For the last couple of weeks, my bride and I are living normal lives for the first time in months. There is no operation looming in our future and clouding our thoughts and conversations. We aren’t dealing with the host of issues that immediately followed my surgery.

Yes, I sometimes am haunted by certain aspects of that surgery, especially by the two weeks I struggled with a catheter. I don’t think that memory will ever go completely away, but as more time goes by, the less and less it ever comes up in my head.

I know I am a lucky person in more ways than one when it comes to this disease. Not everyone is that lucky with cancer in general or with prostate cancer in particular.  My prayers are with those who have been less fortunate. And they are also with 3T, without whose support I would never have endured this ordeal as well as I did.

Kevin

I promise I’m not swaying into a political blog. Although due to some of my obsessive/compulsive tendencies, and the fact that this song genuinely moved me, here’s one more post that may very well be seen as “political.” Once you read the lyrics to this song, if you want to be moved, listen to it. Chatty from Whatchutawkinbout introduced me to, and posted the song for all of us to listen to.

PINK LYRICS

“Dear Mr. President”
(feat. Indigo Girls)

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let’s pretend we’re just two people and
You’re not better than me
I’d like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We’re not dumb and we’re not blind
They’re all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter’s rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You’ve come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don’t know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You’d never take a walk with me
Would you

So now go listen to the song over at Whatchutawkinbout.

I want to write a series of posts dealing with the pink elephant that sits in the middle of our livingroom, in my family’s presence, almost at all times. Honestly, it scares me to do so for many reasons, some of which I’ll go into.

To begin with, this pink elephant has affected every area of my life now for going on ten years. It has been the cause of me being labeled crazy, a hypochondriac, a sissy, moody, lazy, or high-strung. Those who love me excuse it by saying “she’s just too sensitive to pain.” I have been told to “man-up,” ignore the “aches and pains” and point blank to “to get my head out of my ass.”

I have had this pink elephant blamed on my life style. “Well, if you didn’t smoke, Teri, you would feel a lot better!” “Teri, you did a few different drugs in the 80’s, I’m sure that has had an effect on you.” “Don’t drink coffee Teri, that will help.” “Don’t drink any alcohol Teri, you’ll feel better.” “Get off processed foods and sugar Teri.”

What hasn’t helped the situation is that for quite a few years after I was first diagnosed with the pink elephant, a percentage of the medical community didn’t recognize it as a legitimate medical condition.  A good deal were “old school” doctors who enjoyed labeling women “crazy” anyway. (Women making up 90% of those diagnosed with it) This just provided them with another avenue.

And there were legitimate concerns about the diagnosis.

My pink elephant is Fibromyalgia. There were no established guide lines for diagnosing Fibromyalgia. There is no specific test that labels this pink elephant scientifically. Since my diagnosis, The American College of Rheumatology had established guidelines for diagnosing Fibromyalgia, which I’ll go thru in this series of posts.

Quickly let me say that I am very defensive regarding Fibromyalgia. I’m looking down the barrel of 10 years of chronic pain and fatigue, regardless of whether I smoked, lived right, got plenty of sleep, took mega doses of vitamins, exercised, etc. There were moments when the constant pain has driven me insane. There was just no escaping it. By evening, after a full day of flu-like symptoms, I’m in tears and want to escape the pain any way I can! Sometimes these symptoms last months, or weeks or, when I’m lucky, a couple of days.

These symptoms, in some cosmic way, seem to be affected by the weather. My husband, on my good days, mind you, will joke that my body is better than any weather forcaster. It will be blue skies and nice out, and all of a sudden I’m aching all over. He’ll say, “Why are you hurting? Look at the weather.” Within hours it will cloud up, and storm. Or the barometric pressure drops or goes up drastically. It seems my pain is in tune with this, and will scream at me from all over my body.

My days?  They are plotted out always with the thought of, “will I have the energy, will the pain make me exhausted and consequently moody?” There are days I am completely self absorbed, either out of fear of an episode or because I’m in an episode. It has been the cause of a good deal of depression. And, it has at times had me trying to self medicate to escape the pain.  Either with alcohol or marijuana.  A big portion of my life IS this disease, and has been now for well over 10 years. Well, 10 years since diagnosis, that is.

My now ex-husband and I relocated to Arizona because I discovered on some trips to Palm Springs that when I was in the desert, I didn’t have any pain. The first year in Arizona was euphoric for me. I had no pain, I power walked, exercised, socialized, cooked. I felt on top of the world physically.

A little over a year here, and the symptoms came back.  Gradually, the episodes were just days, instead of the ongoing months that they lasted in Washington State. Unfortunately, I’m now at the point where it can hang on for months and months. To me, the symptoms seem to be worse during weather changes, although a few doctors I’ve had don’t seem to understand that or feel it ins’t related.  After 10 years, I trust my own instincts on this and what my body seems to tell me.

In the next three or four posts I will go over diagnosing Fibromyalfia, symptoms, possible treatment of the symptoms, and the effects of this disease. Fibromyalgia has been referred to as a silent disease because there are no outward symptoms such as rashes, fevers or inflamation.

I will discuss how it has affected my family and our life together, as well as my frustration at trying to “keep it quiet” so that I won’t be labeled crazy, or hypochondriac, or overly sensitive to pain, or the myriad of other labels that have been attached to the many patients diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

Digressing a bit, the last time I had this disease “thrown in my face” was when a drunk visitor to my home (who I’ll leave nameless for her daughter’s sake) said that “Fibromyalgia isn’t real, it’s just an excuse for people not to work.” (For the record, I have worked thru this disease almost continuously, in a hospital pharmacy, where I ran my ass off! It would take days to recover from the 10 hour shifts, and I would take ibuprofen like candy to get thru these work days, and a good deal of the time, vicoden when the pain and exhaustion were severe.

This was the closest I have ever come to physically throwing someone out of my home in a rage!!!  I said I forgave her when she called the next morning, but her words remain there to taunt me everytime I am laying in bed in pain.

I have NO sense of humor about this condition. NONE. NADA. ZIP. Live with chronic pain for ten years, under the mental conditions of having it denied by a high percentage of your own family and critiqued as the high-strung-crazy-lady disease, and then tell me if you would have a sense of humor about it. Or if you would even admit to being diagnosed with it.

I am, as I type this, in the middle of an episode that has been going on for months. I have taken prednisone for it, two times this year, when I discovered that it took my pain away. Prednisone has some nasty side effects, and most of the time is only prescribed as a means of getting things like bulged disc pain and asthma under control. The problem with this medication is the re-bound pain seems to be worse once the effects of the prednisone wear off. Which is where I’m at currently.

Most likely this episode is what is triggering me to break all silence where this frustrating chronic illness is concerned. I’m done hiding it in the closet. It is what it is, and it affects every area of my life. It causes me fear to the point of not wanting to “commit” to anything or anyone in case my body fails me again. It affects my thoughts, and it has aided in destroying a lot of my short term memory. It makes thinking clearly damn near impossible while I am in an episode.

I go reclusive while in an episode. If I must socialize, sometimes I’ll take percocet AND prednisone. This combination gave me a wonderful vacation in Hawaii and helped me to to be there for Kevin during his surgery and recovery. Yes friends, if I’ve socialized with you, chances are I was either on something, or had a few drinks to take the edge off, or both.

At this point, yes I am sensitive to pain now. But which came first? The chicken or the egg? Having the skeletal and deep tissue pain triggers fear and tension in me, which I know makes it worse. Having this type of pain and the accompanying exhaustion for ten years has made me very sensitive to what my body goes thru.

To those commenters who would point out the controversy behind Fibromyalgia, understand this, I will point-blank tell you to “Fuck off!” I’ve heard it all, and whatever anyone wants to call it, I couldn’t give a flying fuck. It’s pain, that IS debilitating at times, and has affected every area of my life.  It has affected the quality of my life a good deal of the time, as well as some of the quality of the time I get to spend with my children.

So foo-fooing it way, in my space here at Stumbling/Grace, will have you unceremoniously thrown off my site. (see, this is where the defensiveness comes in) I’m smiling here, but dead-fucking-serious.

But, if you have unexplained flu-like symptoms, with your body aching all over constantnly, if you have 11 of the 18 tender points that are in pain when a firm pressure is applied, if you are exhausted all of the time, if you suffer from unexplained irritable bowel syndrome with bouts of diarhea and constipation alternating, if your doctor keeps telling you there is nothing wrong with you according to all of the tests, this next series of posts may be of some interest to you.

To start with, here is a diagram that shows the 18 tender point areas, that if you are having unexplained deep tissue pain that has lasted longer than three months, may be an avenue for you to discuss with your doctor.
Fibrom_Diagram_tender_points.bmp

Or trying to. Under the weather the last couple of days. I’ll be back around when I shake this. Hope everyone
has a good week!

Love,

3T