Bullshit Rantings

Here it is another manic Monday, the end of October, the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Halloween, the start of a new school week for the kids, especially for Riley who starts his EXTRA program with Kumon, and; the day my beloved decides to trade in the “dirty white dodge minivan,” for a new one. My brain can barely wrap its self around the start of a new week, and the hubby wants to make major decisions, on this, the last day of October, and a Monday no less.

I was frazzled by the time I walked into the bank to meet him. WHY would I have mixed emotions about my husband wanting to bestow upon me a new minivan? For one reason, and one reason only. I. DON’T. LIKE. DEBT !!! As I was listening to the broker discuss the many nuances of this financial deal, I was already getting buyers remorse. Not that I wasn’t completely impressed with the new minivan. She’s beautiful, she’s sleek, she’s NEW! (OK, as sleek as any minivan could ever be.  I’m a mom of multiple children, my lot in life is that of carting kids around, and I like room for the rugrats to spread out! Less fights, arguments and hearing the words “MOM! She’s touching me!!!” Rattles my nerves completely while trying to drive in the rat race traffic of Arizona.)

Putting aside the debt factor, and I can momentarily, due to the hubby agreeing to all of my terms in this purchase. (ie; hefty down payment and promises we will pay on the principle thru out the year.) There is also a sentimental factor involved. I realize that number one, the word Dodge, does not necessarily bring to mind the words “good resale value,” I know otherwise. Oh it’s a crappy resale value. Damn but cars don’t hold much in the way of resale!) The point is, I remember picking out the Dirty White Dodge Minivan, when she was new, and sleek and beautiful. I did the research, she rated fairly high back in 2000 in safety and dependability. I worked out the financials to suit my budget, based on “Can I afford this on my own?” She was my choice when I drove her off of the lot in the hot summer sun of August 2000. She was MINE.

Dirty White Dodge Minivan, delivered my children and myself safely to our new home in Arizona, driving thru Washington, Oregon and the mountains of California when it was snowing cats and dogs, and we had no chains. It was dependable while I went hunting for a new job, and made sure I got to work each and every day. Took my children to their new schools, delivered in the way of room, for the multiple friends and different outings. And most of all saw my beloved and I safely thru all of our many road trips! From San Diego and Palm Springs, to several trips over to Las Vegas and Laughlin Nevada. The Dirty White Dodge Minivan was there dependably thru all of my most prized memories. And now we’re letting her go.

Why does Monday bother me so much? As it has become extremely apparent, that come Monday morning, I am irritated, foggy and just not functioning on all cylinders, I have been trying to figure out the Whys, in hopes of changing at least my state of mind.

To start with, I get up, read the paper as usual and have my morning coffee. Making sure breakfast paraphernalia is laid out for the rugrats, as well as their school clothes, and lunch/lunch money, what ever the case may be. This is somewhat culture shock, as the week-end usually holds sleeping in and family activities or special moments with the hubby. This day holds the start of the week-day routine.

I am coming to the conclusion that maybe I don’t like my personal week routine. I’m not sure what, if anything I am going to do to change it at the moment, but I am thinking I need to do something. What that is remains a mystery to me. It has been well over a year and a half since I was forced (by a work layoff) into my SAHM status. At first, it was going to be temporary, summer was upon us, and it suited everyone that I was here with the kids and at home.

Come January of this last year, I was hit with one ailment after another, that has had me in and out of doctors offices, and dealing with some intense chronic back pain. Working outside of the home, didn’t seem like much of an option during this period. Part of me was wondering how much I really wanted to go back into an office routine, that was to put it bluntly, boring. That opinion hasn’t changed since then.

So now, here I am, finally not living with chronic pain (although I have my moments, what I assume everyone does at times) and I have to say it. I’m bored. Cleaning up breakfast dishes, looking at the mess that inevitably is all around me, does not motivate me. Playing chauffer to my rugrats and their many activities, although I feel good they are able to do them, doesn’t leave me with much of a sense of accomplishment. In fact, I would venture to say, that basically NOTHING I do in my day to day leaves me with much of a sense of accomplishment. I very much feel like a cliche. The bored housewife. A mush brain, whose life consists of nothing note worthy, or interesting. There I said it. I don’t know what I am going to do to change it. But I feel change is going to be necessary, in order for me to feel like I am contributing something worthwhile.

Morose:( def ) manner; ill tempered, gloomy, sullen.


The perfect definition for my moodiness on Mondays. Having gone thru the whole “I may be dying of a brain tumor” scare, and trying to enjoy each day to it’s fullest, add a sense of guilt to my morose mood on Mondays.

Reflecting on the last nine months, I can’t remember a Monday I haven’t felt this way. Just a flat disoriented daze, that keeps my brows furrowed, and what I accomplish at a minimum.

This Monday, after going thru the blogs I read, getting the kids and the hubby out the door, I threw away any expectations of accomplishing anything. I grabbed a blanket, curled up on the couch with season 3 Sex and the City, and let my mind go blank. That’s what my brain wanted, so the rest of me relented.

I know I now need to start dinner, finish the same damn paperwork I fill out every year for Tayler’s Girl Scouts, and get dinner out of the way before her Girl Scout meeting. Make sure Satan’s Spawn not only works on his homework, but finishes it. Get everyone settled into bed with teeth brushed and bodies clean. Yes, the rest of my day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and doing for them. I thank God for them, and for the health to do so. But on Mondays....... I really don’t like Mondays.

*sigh* I fucked up. I was soooo excited to talk about the penguins Andy, that I put them in the Zoo, instead of SeaWorld. That great penguin exhibit is in SEA WORLD, not San Diego Zoo. Kevin just called me to tell me I mixed the agenda up. (I should have had him write it)

I plead scatterbrained fuzzy headedness caused by the wicked head cold I developed exactly 24 hours after getting home. That and the overdosing on cold medications isn’t helping much either I’m sure.

So in a summation prior to part two of our wonderful vacation, let me just say, that of Sea World, Wild Life Zoo and San Diego Zoo, that San Diego Zoo was the least memorable. It was also the first place we went, which could be adding to my hazy memory of it. (I knew I should have taken notes!) The Panda Bears were adorable at the Zoo though…

I’m in a piss poor mood today. Not because of PMS either. Not because the hubby and I are fighting.(we are not) Not because the kids have the house in chaos.(They are in Vegas with their father) Not due to the X’s antics. Just life and it’s daily dose of bullshit. I’m not even passionate in my anger. Just frustrated with everyday shit that has a way of adding up. I am ready for our vacation. Looking forward to getting away with my kids and hubby, to a more temperate climate.

San Diego has been averaging 70 degree days for a few weeks now. I’m watching the temperatures closely. 70 degrees almost sounds cold to me. Mesa has been averaging above 110 for a few weeks now. And by my estimations, I would compare these temps. to Hell. Yes I’m complaining about the heat! Not that I would move anywhere else in the world, I like it where I’m at. I just need a break from it. Laying out to get that sun kissed look, is torture, not enjoyable at these temps. So I find myself hiding out inside the computer room even more then usual. I sure as hell don’t like stepping into the heat, even to get the mail.

I have calculated and cut back, cut corners, done whatever is necessary to save money for our vacation. The hubby put me in charge of it, and I don’t think I like this job! (He is a smart man) So trying to save, all the while picturing an elegant dinner in the gas light district, kept me from at least 2 pedicures and had me yanking the fake nails off to save on fills. I didn’t entertain in June, as I have always done since moving here. There was a few hundred more dollars! Being meticulous, even gas for the mini van was an area to save in. Cutting back on most dinners out, manipulating the number of times the hubby and kids wanted to hit the movie theater. With two kids, popcorn, pops, and candy you’re looking at $75.00 a movie. (Or close to it) Yes I was feeling frugal, imagining my kids thanking us for the extravagant vacation! Knowing I sacrificed most of my frivolities to make it so.