I had my first epidural cortisone injection on Friday morning. They said it would take approximately 24 hours for me to notice a difference. And I DID notice a difference. After the continous pain of the last 3 weeks or so (the days kinda ran together) I was euphoric! The level of pain has dropped dramatically! I was astounded! Excited! Happy! Cautious. I don't want to ever be in that much pain again! Next shot is scheduled in two weeks. And I should start physical therapy sometime after that.

I want to thank my homegirls Jackie and Jenny, for coming to visit me when I got back on friday. It was wonderful to just hang out and chat for a while. The roses too were gorgeous! I do thank God for having such a wonderful, supportive group of friends. You girls are abso-f_cking-lutely the BEST!

I have to admit though, when I went to get that procedure done I was down right child-like afraid! It was scary, laying on my stomache, awake, in a surgery room, with oxygen shoved in my nose, and an IV out one arm, and some weird thinga-majiggy stuck to my finger (what I assume was reading my pulse?) And knowing they were coming at me, with needles to stick into my neck and back area. I have to admit to some petrified praying!

Prior to entering the intimidating surgical room, I was in the recovery/prep room, waiting to see my Knight in Shining Armour (aka; pain specialist, doctor extrordinaire) OK, actually my husband is my knght in shining armour, but this man was going to get me outta pain!! That rates pretty f-ing high! And I find this uncomfortable to admit, but he looks so YOUNG! Not necessarily Doogie Howser young. But geeze! It's hell when we start getting older, and these prefessionals who service our lives in one form or another look so damn young!

What was worse, is he was devastatingly handsome to boot! Here I am, feeling at my absolute worst, (and looking pretty much the same as that) and in walks tall dark and handsome. "Goodmorning Tamber, how are we feeling today?" Me: uhhhhhh, I've been a lot better......This "doctor" has the looks of a model! I am not exaggerating! (On ocassion, I can be prone to one from time to time) But this was not one of them. He was tan, with dark hair, deep set eyes, chiseled features, tall. And very warm eyes, that made me very warm. (I'm married, not dead!)

This was my second meeting with Dr. tall, dark and handsome, and I very MUCH wanted to put on the full set of make-up. But feeling like shit......well, and the fact that my husband scowled when I said maybe I ought to put some make-up on....he isn't blind either....and knew exactly what might motivate me to feel the need to look my best. I sighed and skipped it. But I made sure to put on that special outfit. (we all have one) You know the one that says comfortable casual, (and loose fitting, due to unfortunate procedure instructions) but soft, feminine, and EXPENSIVE. I don't own a lot of said outfits, cashmere sweaters don't really fit in to my lifestyle, and budget, but cha gotta have one! And I do, and I did.

Now this has nothing to do with wanting Dr. Gorgeous, and even thinking I could possibly turn his head. And I don't even want to. I have Mr. Perfect already, I married him. And I also find Mr. Perfect extremely handsome, sexy, magnetic, etc...What this has to do with, is, when one is confronted with such dynamic, intimidating, good looks, and one has to actually converse with said male specimen, one wants to possess every bit of confidence that one can muster up. And with women, we bring in the big guns! That special outfit, that maticulously applied make-up application, that says we know who we are, and we can be at ease with anyone anywhere. (yes, I realize that isn't true in every situation, but this is our self image on the line here) Or mine anyway. And it's bad enough I am in pain, and looking like death warmed over. In my case, all I could bring in was "the outfit" and I did. I am getting "older", and I am married, but I am far from dead, and I wanted that much to show. Dr. Gorgeous took me outta some pain, and is going to finish the job. At least I can be respectably, aesthetically pleasing. And I think I minimally pulled it off, minus the make-up. But, I do have another appt. in two weeks.....

Today I have been all over, blog reading. There are so many different types of blogs, and so many blogs, it's mind boggling. And just the small number of blogs I have read to date, vary from specialized topics, to story telling, to "on the job insights" to day to day life. And more still on just the random inner thoughts of people. To almost a confessional, somewhere that different bloggers are dumping their "dirty laundry". Blogs on the lives or prostitutes/call girls, addicts, recovering addicts, sex blogs, religous blogs, mommy blogs, political blogs, psychological blogs, students of philosophy, you get the picture. And I am sure most are already aware of it. My question/thought is, did most who started a blog, did they have a plan for it? Do they know what they wanted to put into writing? Was there a game plan? Did it just evolve, when they sat down at the computer? Is each post plotted out, technically put together?

A small part of why I was wondering these things, came when a very popular blogger http://Tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com/ (whom I have voted for on a bloggers award thingy by the way, she is really that GREAT!) left a note in another blog, that I read daily http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ (whom I always enjoy reading as well) about the # of times she posts now, and used to; and why she wrote. Or more to the point WHO she wrote for. Herself, or her wide array of readers. I guess that would be part of my question as well. She answered these questions for herself, and has acted on it accordingly.

WHY, am I here? Am I doing it to gain readers? Am I doing it for myself? And what was so fascinating about this whole blogging experience? And it is fascinating to me. Not just writing one of my own, but reading others. And if truth be told, I spend much more time reading others, then I spending writing this one. ( LOL. I know, it probably shows too)

Admittedly, I have spent much more time then I normally would, or probably will in the future. I fell into this, approximately around the same time I started dealing with back problems that pretty much had me housebound. So my normal schedule was put on hold ( the slack being picked up by both my present husband, and my Ex-husband) The Ex taking over with all the kid errands and chauffeuring, and my husband taking over inside the house, cooking,laundry, etc. This left me time to just try and heal at home...and explore this whole blogging phenomena.(Which means I am probably over thinking this whole thing)

But since I have started one, and I still don't know what I want to do with it......I haven't filled out the part of the first page that most put a small paragraph giving a brief description of what it is, and where it's going....I haven't filled it out, because I didn't know. And I still don't think my ramdom thoughts are going to come to some conclusion now. I have put probably way more thought into it then I should. (But I have definitely had the time)

I have thought, well a journal is good, like a diary. Somewhere to just organize my life in words, and I guess go over it. Or do I want to try and write entertaining stories based on my experiences. (this would be a real stretch for me) How about a dumping ground from my speckled past? And do I really want to put it in words, that it could possibly even remotely come back to haunt me. (I do have 3 kids ranging in age from 9 to 20. And parents, whom I defintely would not want to know the gory details of the past) The only thing I DID know, was that I didn't want it to be a mommy blog. I love my children, and the biggest part of my life, is that of mommy. The way I saw it, it wouldn't be for me anymore then. (Not that I have anything against mommy blogs, I have two such blogs I read daily and enjoy)

So that is the dilemma, I am wrestling with, and why I haven't come to fill in a description. I don't have one yet. I thought it would just evolve naturally, and maybe it is, and I'm not seeing it. But I don't think so. My posts kinda bounce around. From stories, to quotes, to like here, thoughts. I did think, or maybe tried to justify the amount of time I have spent here, that it could improve my writing skills, I could learn more about how to navigate around on this computer, and the technical side of weblogs. Pasting different things in. I did order and get the CD-ROM learning blogger (with Molly E. Holzschlag, her website, http://www.molly.com ) which I plan on spending time looking at and learning this week-end with the guidance of my husband. So I had this whole positive practical side to the reasoning of why I should blog.

But if truth be told, that isn't the motivator, for why I click on to my favortie blog sites, and continually explore more. I don't know if you would call it voyeurism in the sense of looking in to so many different people's lives. A desire for some sense of deeper connections? (Then the everyday small talk we make in our lives) Or is it just as simple as I enjoy reading. Which I do.....
You end up getting to know these people you have never met, and who don't know you exist. Oh well, eventually I'll figure out my motivation....

So now, what I would like, is those few who did read my site, if you could comment on some of my questions. (ie; did you have a plan when you started your site? Did it just evolve? WHY did you start blogging?)

And for my homegirls Shelly, Lori, Jenny, Vickie, and Jackie.....what way would you explain my type of posts? And which way do you think I should take the site? Just curious....and confused (as usual, lol)

I would also take this opportunity to thank Jenny and Jackie for your get well mails, and your prayers, and just your support when I was really down this last week. I love you both!And Lori and Shelly, I would love to hear from you (catch me up on the latest; gossip and what you're up to) This housebound crap is gettin' old! Lunch next week??? Send me a mail, if you don't want to comment "online"

Today's P - T - Q from www.azcentral.com

Prayer : Lord help us keep our thoughts and actions focused on You for guidance to do what needs to be done. Amen

Thought : Mediocrity can talk, but it is for genius to observe. Benjamin Disraeli (British Prime Minister 1804-1881)

Quip : Some folks get a kick out of life, and others only do the kicking.

I received a phone call from my mother a few weeks back. She had important news. You see, it was my husband's and my 2nd Anniversary, (on Jan 3rd) and she wanted me to be on the lookout for our Anniversary gift, which would be coming in the mail, via QVC. In my family, as long as a gift was received approximately 60 days from any special ocassion, it's on time.

This dates back to my childhood, where all Birthdays were always celebrated on the week-end, no matter if your special date fell mid week or on a Thursday or even a Friday. It would be celebrated one of two days, Saturday or Sunday. Whatever was more convenient for her schedule. And that could mean absolutely anything. As she told it though, it mean't YOU got to bask in all the glory of ALL the attention for an entire day! Not just a measley evening. And as a kid (one of three) this sounded perfect to us! That tradition long stood, even as we all moved out going our own ways, and even when we started having our own kids. They too, were raised to believe their Birthday would always fall on a Saturday or Sunday.

And as we started moving further and further away from each other, and packages needed to be shipped, and our lives all became busier and busier, this rule became even more defined, although it was unspoken. If you received "said gift" in the same year as the ocassion, it was the same as receiving it on the day! The only exclusion to this would be Christmas, in which case it depended upon WHEN any particular family was going to celebrate Christmas. Because Christmas, once we all had families of our own, which would now include "in-laws" and having to celebrate with all or our own new families as well; made it much more complicated, and let's face it, stress-ful. Being the creative woman my dear mother is, she felt it best that we arrange"Christmas day, a whole different day" so that she and my father had all of their children and grandchildren for a whole day! And this tradition became yet even more complicated by the fact that she, and husband #2 (of mine) and myself worked in hospitals. Hospital workers often end up working on Christmas day. My brother a state trooper for WA also ended up out on the job on Christmas every other year or so. So Christmas pretty much always ended up, the week-end prior to Christmas, and on ocassion on New Years day. In which case, for me, (living in AZ since 2001) I must send packages with the new Christmas date in mind.

And all traditions have stood no matter what. As we each had more and more kids, still gifts were sent for every menber of the family, including in-laws. This mean't shipping packages almost every month of the year. Why we just didn't put this tradition to rest years ago, is beyond me. But I wasn't going to "risk the wrath of Dina" by expressing this. And from the looks of things, no one else was going to either. Nevermind the expense, the time that has gone into this, gave everyone head-aches. Except of course for mom. Who never forgot anyone. Including now all three Anniversaries.

Now at first glance, she seems like one of the most giving thoughful women you would ever meet. And lets face it, thats what it came down to. But this has also played into not one, but two of my mother's OTHER quirks in life. That being her penchant for dime store self help psycho babble books, and her addiction to shopping. Along with whatever dime store self help psycho babble book you might receive, came the hidden message. That being whatever quirk, bad habit, lack of character that she may find in you, that she felt it was necessary for you to address and deal with. On her time, with her thumb print all over whatever success you may have. And failures attributed to your own lack of character or flaws. And being the official black sheep of the family, who was always stumbling thru life, I was the recipient of the most dime store self help psycho babble books of all her kids and their spouses. Any lack in your children, also made you the recipient, not said grandchild. You were the mom, you were the one who needed to instill the good things in her grandchildren. Also noting that her two sons' in laws and daughter in law, were not exempt. My new husband thus far being the recipient of two of these DSSHPBB's to date. Although since her new son-in-law was only one year younger then her, and a very dominant self posessed man, she is very careful with whatever oral bits of wisdom she may throw his way. Not sure yet, just how far, he would allow her to push things. (Oh, how I love that about him!) And yes to date, I have already hidden behind him several times, in order to live my life as I see fit. Yes, I'm a coward, and not afraid to admit it. I have a "sense of self" after all.

Now her shopping addiction, that is a whole other ball park. And one no one comes right out and talks about it. Here again fearing the wrath of Dina. That is except for my father, who doesn't mind joking about it. Well when mother is far away at work, where he cannot be overheard. I probably inherited my coward gene from him.

My mother's addiction to shopping has one special characteristic. And that is QVC. All gifts are usually sent in QVC boxes in all shapes and sizes. They know the sound of my mothers voice at QVC. And had I known just how far she would go with QVC, I would have bought stock YEARS ago in this company.

My mother has worked the grave yard shift at the hospital well over a decade now. And has the problem all night workers struggle with. That is getting sufficient sleep during the daylight hours in between shifts. In order for her to sleep during the day, she needs her 20-somthing inch bedroom TV going the whole time. She usually gets a good hour of QVC watching in prior to going to sleep, and a good hour watching after the fact before getting up. You can do a lot of damage with a QVC card in a couple of hours a day, and much more on days off. I cannot even comprehend the number of gifts she has stocked up on for each member of our 16 member family. (That includes Ex husband number two, whom she says is the father of HER grandchildren, whom she has every intention of continuing to honor on special days) Which honestly, I don't have a problem with. Other then she continues to send said gifts to mine and my new husbands house, for us to deliver to him. I did stand up to her recently on this, but that is a subject for another post. (I'm longwinded enough as it is!)

My father's joke about this whole QVC thing (except it really isn't a joke, it's the truth) is that he is definitely on a first name basis with their UPS deliverer. He knows the UPS guys wife and children's names as the UPS guy knows ours. He is delivering to their house, (I swear on this!) at least every other day, on a slow week or month, maybe once a week. My dad and the UPS guy's relationship is familier enough, that when the UPS driver was having a bad day, he told my father to put a sledge hammer thru their TV, to keep his wife off of QVC! (My father would never risk the wrath of Dina by doing this!)

So here we are, in the general vicinity of our 2nd Wedding Anniversary, on the look-out for the QVC gift. I admit, this time the DSSHPBB was not expected. Not for this ocassion. Usually it is somthing for the household. Some quirky gadget, that I have never heard of. Gadget's being another one of her quirks, I'll save for another date. But I was wrong. I knew the advice on our lives had been coming quite a bit of late....."we really need a lot of work to survive this life." I just didn't expect it to bleed over into our anniversary. But it did, and it came. Mind you, mom is not cheap, she takes these books very seriously, and doesn't mind spending a small fortune to aquire them. And she did. This dime store self help psycho babble book (in hard back) came with a set of CD's as well. And this Live Lecture 6-CD set and hardback book, which advertises "AS seen on Public TV" was expensive! And should render forth heartfelt "Thank you's!" and "I am learning so much!" announcements. And I wanted to! really I did. But they came 1. during PMS week 2. with the onset of one of my back discs bulging putting pressure on nerve endings, that has sent me into spasms on too many ocassions to even count at this point! 3. I was feeling particularly inept and vulnerable (brought on by satan's spawn's (Riley) antics in the classroom+ Parent/Teacher conferences comfiming his behavior) So this was the set up for opening her thoughtful Anniversary gifts.

And I came unglued, and ranted and raved, and thru said gift across the room. (I know, childish....and probably the topic for a whole new dime store self help psycho babble book) So I did not thank her for the gift, until recently, when I was on some hardcore mind numbing painkillers. And I know it came out insincere, and weak. Oh well, maybe next year, she'll do us the honor of not recognizing this occasion at all.

So if anyone is interested in aquiring this lovely set, I am sure you can find it on the official website. Which I have not bothered to look up as of yet. I have not bothered to even open the the lovely hardback book, and the Live Lecture 6-CD Set, still in the plastic wrapper.(I did enjoy popping all the little bubbles on the bubble wrap sheet though) So I cannot even tell you, if they are any good. I just got thru her damn DVD set of Women of Faith, presents Irrepressible Hope conference 2004 Which by the way, she attended! (Their website is www.Womenoffaith.com )

So here it is, the official website of the hardback book "The Power of Intention, Learning to Co-create Your world, Your way."(As long as your way agrees with Dina's way) And I am sure it covers the Live Lecture 6-CD Set called, "The SECRETS of the Power of Intention" all by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer website address www.DrWayneDyer.com

Deep down, I realize, the only dime store self help psycho babble book I need, deals with cutting the psychological apron strings of Dina. Without fearing her wrath and repercussions. That is one DSSHPBB that I am sure to never see coming thru the mail from my mother. (Bless her heart!)

I'm so shallowly analytical, it bores the hell outta me. Which is probably why I enjoy reading blogs. Some I can live vicariously thru, some, I can laugh uncontollably at, some I can actually learn things from, and some I can feel falsely superior to. And still others I enjoy connecting with on some sorta cyber level. (And what that "level" means, I have absolutely no idea) I guess for me, its like looking inside of people, you will never meet, or even if you met them on the street, chances are you would never have the types of conversations, or connections with them that blog reading avails itself to. Which makes blogging unique, and not really part of what day to day living is. So blogging could be escapism, or is for me, at times. Not that I don't love my life, as it is. My children, my husband, my girlfriends, my home. I am blessed, and happy with all of it. But who doesn't like a little escapism, every now and then. My battle would be to keep from allowing escapism (blogging) to become obsessive. Knowing I have tendencies towards obsessive- compulsive behavior; I consciously work to keep balance. (This great self insight courtesy of the many dimes store self help psycho babble books I have read, skimmed, or memorized.) And it is on that note, that I want to give my homegirls a couple of other blogs they may enjoy reading while watching the clock on the job. (During their official "break times " of course) hehehehe

So Lori, Jenny, Shelly and Vickie check out these blogs. Entertaining, and completely different from the lives we lead. I hope you enjoy them. Let me know....
First is http://postmoderncourtesan.com (I think the title gives you some idea on its content. And she tells stories that are easy reading and fun)
Next is http://Paranoidpromqueen.blogspot.com/ Just fun to read. Let me know what you think.
And one more for now, http://www.onechildleftbehind.com/blog.htm A guy from Seattle, a writer, who enjoys photography, AND, he loves the group JOURNEY girls! Which means right there he is worth reading, right? Let me know whatcha think!

Well today is Sunday, which means (to me) it is the end of the week, and the beginning of the week. So here is where I'll purge myself of the end, and plan for the beginning. Friday night, we did Happy Hour, which we are prone to on ocassion. This one, in the beginning was instigated by me. First, I just missed my homegirls and visiting with them, and I had a very bad case of cabin fever, brought on by not really venturing out of the house. Unless you count the several doc.'s appts. and visits to the local pharmacies for mind altering, pain killers.
Well, and I received an e-mail from my former boss/friend that I hadn't heard from in a while, where he suggested we ought to do a happy hour sometime. A good idea is a good idea, so I ran with it. I have a great deal of respect, and care about my boss/friend, and missed chatting with him. He always made me feel appreciated on the job, and was a patient trainer, and always exhorted me to do my best. And I always tried to give him just that. I sensed in him a kind heart, a caring person, and he has a subtle sense of humor, that I also always appreciated. (Anything for a laugh, even when one is working) And, for any single, attractive, 20 somthing women out there, he is also single! Any interested women??? let me know, I'll see what I can arrange!
All right back to topic, we did happy hour. Although for me, it didn't have the feel of any of our old, usual happy hours. I had a good time, and always enjoy being with this group, it was just; different. More calm, not as much laughter as usual.....this could very well be, that I was not able to have my usual cosmo's...(due to previously mentioned painkillers) Instead, I drank VIRGIN Mai Tai's. Tasty as they are, they did not lend themselves to any mood enhancing, laughter inducing loud fun. I'm not sure if anyone else felt that way, as most were drinking their usual refreshments. It was good to see those friends I hadn't seen in a while. And Jenny, thank you for coming to pick me up at my house.( I didn't want to attempt getting behind the wheel of a car, with painkillers on board.) It was good to see your Mathew too. (Her approximately 2 yr old son, who has the face of an angel) He joined us for happy hour too. Which is allowed at Applebees resturaunt.
Saturday was spent doing not a helluva a lot. Movie watching with my significant other....laying around, just "being". The kids were with their father, which mean't it too was a much more calm, and quiet sorta day. And so ended the week.
Today, I get ready for the return of my children. Which entails actually shopping for nutritional complete meals. (We scrounge on the off week) Making sure all clothes for kids are ready for school, and steeling ourselves for the inevitable arguments over homework, and anything else my darling little boy (whom privately for yrs I referred to as Satan's Spawn) finds to debate. I know, that private nickname is probably enough to get me nominated for worst mother of the year. Although I have never breathed that nickname in front of him, or to anyone who would tell him. I think it is just my way, of releasing the frustrations of motherhood, without doing anyone any physical or mental harm. Riley is my challenging child. And I would never have been nominated for mother of the year, even if I didn't have a challenging child. I have to work harder at it, then most moms. Deep down, I don't think I was gifted with the great mom gene...which means I have to work HARD at being a sufficient mother. I love Riley so very much, and am very grateful to God, for giving him the face of an angel, and a tender spirit that he shows just enough, to keep me from checking into the funny farm.
The rest of today? my husband (not me) has suggested going to the formal gown shop down the road, to search for a formal for me. Yep, he loves to shop, far more then I do. We have a formal we go to every year, called the Tempe Governor's Ball. And I managed to convince him from the very first year, that I cannot possibly be seen at the same event (even if it is annual) in the same gown. This will be our 4th year. Which means I am starting to build up a wardrobe of formals, that I will wear again , when??? A total waste of money on some counts. But now I have convinced him that yes, we need to do another Cruise, so I can get more wear out of past formals. So that is in the planning stage for next spring. (I really, really want to go to the eastern carribean!) In all honesty, it didn't take much to convice him of any of this. My husband loves to travel, and have a good time. And our formal (fondly nicknamed "The Prom") is one of the events we look forward to each year. It means staying the night at a 4 star resort,and just putting on airs for 24 hours! Somthing we both enjoy. Nothing we would want a steady diet of, as our favorite home attire is sweats. And in the summer, shorts, and T-shirts.

So that is the end and the beginning. Tomorrow is my first appt. at a Pain clinic, where hopefully after a couple of epidural steroid injections, I will be off of these mind alterring pain killers, and back to my normal, clear thinking, neurotic, spit on a skillet, and bouncing off the walls self. Fingers crossed and prayers said. And on that note, here is todays

P - T - Q

Lord, help us to be more aware of blessings you bring each new day. Thank you for the joy of loved ones near, and for the peace of quiet moments. Teach us to fully live each hour of everyday. Let us not dwell on the past or future. Then may we know the joy and beauty of this very moment. Amen

Men show their character in nothing more clearly then by what they find laughable. (Anon.)
One should never know too precisely whom one has married. (Friedrich Nietzsche, German Philospher 1844-1900)

Being married is just like any other jobs. It's much easier if you like the boss.

I hope everyone has a great start to their new week!

As I was watching American Idol last night, my mind kept going back to...what can be my feel good song, to replace Wild Wild West? a song that brings a smile to my lips, and warmth in my heart, regardless of what is going on, or where I am at.....it's tough. It HAS to be special, to hold that place. And it has to be mine. I want to own it. ( In my heart, and in my mind anyway.)

I also found it ironic, that I was watching a hit TV show, that was based around music, while mulling over my choices. And I thought about what G-man http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ said regarding music, and it's meaning at different points in our life. And I do agree with him. One song cannot do it, for a lifetime. There are things we go thru in our lives that will make a song special to us, solely based on where we are, and what we are going thru at that particular time.

Which reminded me of another "special song" from the past. A song that caused me to actually buy the same CD 4 different times in my life. It was one of those sad songs, about breaking up, and how we feel we are forever changed because of it. That song for me, was Total Eclipse of the Heart, by Bonnie Tyler. I knew the words by heart, and would sing it with every bit of passionate heartbreak that I was feeling. That song was almost without hope, as she sang about, once upon a time I was falling in love, and now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart. Once upon a time, there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark, nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart. You get the picture. And for the record, that is one helluva LONG song, with a shit load of lyrics! If you want to see the rest of them, you can find em online. Since that ISN'T my song of choice, I'm not typing them all out.

OK, I am off track again. The reason I would have to continually buy it, is that when I would go thru a break up, that is what I wanted to hear, sing, and dwell on. And then, being the melodramatic soul that I am, when I would fall in love again (don't get mad at me for wasting) I would toss it into the garbage. Convinced I would never need to dwell on heartbreak again. I was optimistic anyway! This happened four different times. So I would have to say, that was "my song" off and on thru literally a couple of decades.

And then, there was one other song, that during an extremely exciting, illicit affair I had over a decade ago(for which I have long since repented of).....I played, over and over and over and over. This man made me feel like I was the whole bag of chips! That I had it all! I was "IT" I still have that CD, and I'm not really sure why. The singer, although she was a great musician, was what you would refer to as a One Hit Wonder. ( I also met her once, in a bar on the waterfront in Portland Oregon / arn't I special, lol) So one practical reason her song got lots of play time, was basically I didn't care for the rest of the CD. At all. Her name was Meredith Brooks. And her song (my song) was "Bitch" I know that sounds bad, but you would have to hear the words to understand. Bitch made me feel like Queen Shit, that who she sang about was me! Another one, I won't waste valuable typing time, putting the lyrics down. I'm sure it too is on the internet, if your so inclined to look it up. (What ISN"T on the internet?!) So, in my own life, I am seeing the practical application of G-mans opinion on music.

But for me, I'm gonna deal in the here and now. My song now. Every bit as significant as anything from the past. More so actually. Because it's now. My new song also has a story behind it. My then fiance' (now husband) picked this song, for us to dance to,at our wedding reception.

We didn't have a big wedding. Quite the opposite. We picked a beautiful spot out in an area with breathtaking desert landscaping. And the only people in attendance were my 3 children, the pastor, and my parents. Oh; and the groom of course. My husband wrote our vows. (he IS the writer in the family) They were beautiful, and eloquent of course. (I may dig them up one day and post them. Since I am so proud of the job he did.) It was a very intimate ceremony. What we did have planned later that evening, was the reception, at my house. Everyone that I worked with came, my homegirls were in there....and quite a few that I would have to say I knew just a little better then aquantances. Being very proud of my parents, and their phenominal marraige (just the fact that they stayed together qualified it as phenominal) I asked my father to prepare the "toast". He is fairly well read, and I knew he would put heart into it. Our dance, to the song my husband picked out, was actually planned towards the end, when we were to be alone.

So as the night wore on, and champagne glasses were filled, my father cleared his voice, and began his speech. A hush fell over the group. (well somewhat, it is hard to keep everyone quiet.) I need to mention at this point, that this was to be my 3rd wedding. The first one didn't count ( a post for another day), but the 2nd one was over 16 years long. And Rick had very much become a part of my extended family. Birthdays, Holidays, etc...He was Uncle Rick to all my neices and nephews. And the father of my children....which puts his place in our family tree, firmly.

So dad started his speech of well wishes, and good fortune, health, love, romance. And then he had everyone raise their glasses as he proudly said To Tamber and Rick! My grooms name was NOT Rick! Most of the guests had also met Rick, but knew he was the EX, and certainly not in attendance at this ocassion. I didn't wear white at this wedding; but I garauntee my face went whiter then any wedding dress could ever be! Kevin took the whole thing quite graciously. (At least I think he did. I have since learned he has the best "poker face" of any man I have ever known.) Someone quickly diverted the attn. to cake cutting and picture taking....and by now I was exausted emotionally. I love my father so dearly, but if I could have shoved those words back down his throat!!! I would have.

Now as the night was winding down; (only my good friends, and drinkers left) everyone headed inside the house around the TV. Keven and I; we snook out on the back patio, where we danced to this song. The words were perfect. And I still to this day will stick this CD in the car player, and sing along to it, while drivng by myself. It gives me that warm, happy, this is my song feeling. And I think I'm gonna keep it for a decade or two.

The name of the song is "All We Ever Find" By Tim McGraw

Say exactly how you feel
Right now your free to say it all
There is no one here to judge you
I only love you
Your free to close your eyes and fall
You can trust me, this is real
Say exactly how you feel

Tell me all your dreams
And what you think love means
We'll lock the world outside
Embrace the gift of time
Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find

Every breath of who you are
Tells a story that I love
I have finally found the truth
In what I see in you
And what I feel with every touch
The simple beauty of your heart
In every breath of who you are

(chorus) Tell me all your dreams
And what you think love means
We'll lock the world outside
Embrace the gift of time
Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find

(repeat chorus)

Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find...

Well there it is, my new song! Retiring the old. Marking this portion of my life. And since it is again late, I won't go off on a tangent as to WHAT, this portion of my life is. I just know, it includes this song:-)


And Today's P - T - Q (Prayer, thought, quip) from AZ Republic (azcentral.com)

Lord, remind us to live by your teachings of love, faith, hope and good will. Amen

"Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing."
--John Erskine, American Author & Educator (1879-1951)

A good Executive is one who thinks an assistant who did ALL the work, should get at least a
quarter of the credit.

Goodnight friends! Smoky and I are going to bed now.

WARNING: This post will be full of misc. non related, thoughts, musings, neurotic ramblings, and playful mindfucks, inspired by schedule 2 narcotics (lots of 'em!) administered for the purpose of masking chronic pain. The side affects; a mild case of insomnia, impatience at the betrayal of my physical well being, and good ol' fashioned cabin fever.

Thought for the night: Mind over matter; it's all in your head.
(Bullshit! Whoever coined that deep phrase, has obviously never experienced chronic neck/back pain, or any of the other myriad of illnesses that befall thousands each year.) All of whom, have my deepest sympathies, and prayers, as they struggle with balancing pain, and a life that has normalcy, and meaning. Let alone trying to derive pleasure, and joy amidst their struggle.

I got an e-mail from one of my homegirls, who I haven't chatted with since cancelling our group lunchdate set for last friday. Expressing concern, on my well being. Which by the way, touched me. Thank you Jenny. and I would like to say, I'm getting better. In fact, I'm going to say that...you know, the whole mind over matter thingy??? But yes, it still hurts, it still keeps me awake at night, and my arm and hand still have huge areas that are numb. And I am becoming completely disgusted with the wide range of pills I am taking to try and take the edge off the pain. What they do most (the pills), is send my brain into a disoriented, fragmented fog. That leaves me feeling extremely alone, even when I'm not.

I had an MRI done today, and should have results by Thursday morning, when I go into to see my doc. Thursday morning will also be the day, that I quit taking all these narcotics, that in my way of thinking are not doing jackshit for me! Then I will just take the wonder drug of the milleneum ibuprofen! OK, and a muscle relaxer. (it doesn't fuck with my head) So I will test this whole mind over matter bullshit. And write about my scientific results sometime next week. If I sound bitter about it, I'm not. I know I could be a whole lot worse off, and I am thankful for the parts of me that are still in working order. And I am done hiding out at home alone, wallowing in my misery. (melodramatic, I know. I'll blame the pills this time)

I am tentatively mentioning, that maybe (the maybe part because my husband is concerned) we could do a happy hour THIS Friday night? I would love for all of us to get together for alcohol, fun, gossip and laughter. Since there is nothng mysterious about illness and isolation, I'm leaning towards outta sight and outta mind. And I wanna say Here I am! Let's have some fun!

As I was sitting on the couch, my mind freely wandering here and there, I started thinking about when Lori, Kevin(my husband) and I got our tattoo's. (And Shelly got her belly button peirced) I'm not sure why that popped into my head......the only correlation I could find, was that I popped a couple vicoden then, to mask THAT pain. But I also remembered what a good time we had laughing, and squeezing each other's hands to get thru it. Chattering away to take our minds off of the fact that this big dude was taking needles and ink, and creating art IN our bodies.

And we decided to pick a song each. One song, as our theme song for our lives. And for the life of me, I cannot remember anybody elses but my own.(a testament to self absorption?) I do remember where this game came from. Ally McBeal. (Harrison Ford's bony girlfriend) Ally's therapist told her to pick a song, and make it hers. A song that made her feel good, that she could sing (to herself, or outloud) to claim as her theme. I remember Kevin and I picked one together too. The "Our song" was by Journey; Don't stop believin'..I'm going to locate the words around here somewhere. The drugs I'm taking, unfortunately causing a brain fart. Which only allows minimal details to come to the surface.

And now the song I picked, at the time, has been mine all the way back to when it came out. (late eighties? can't quite remember) It was by the Escape Club. I bring this up, because, as I go thru this little bout of pain, I have come to the conclusion, that it is time to retire "my song" the song that has/had never failed to bring me up off my feet, and onto the dance floor, where I abandoned all inhibitions, and flailed about recklessly (dancing...sort of) So I dedicate this post to Wild Wild West by the Escape Club, which is being retired year 2005.

Fortyseven dead beats living in the back street
North East West South all in the same house
Sitting in the back room waiting for the big boom
I'm in the bedroom waiting for my baby

She's so mean, but I don't care
I love her eyes & her wild wild hair
Dance to the beat, that we love best
Heading for the nineties
Living in the wild wild west
The wild wild west........

Heading for the nineties, living in the eighties
Screaming in the backroom, waiting for the big boom.
Give me give me wild west
Give me give me safe sex
Give me love, give me love
Give me time to live it up.

I know, I shortened it quite a bit. (It is after 1:00 AM as I write this) So since I am retiring Wild Wild West, having already "lived it up" and lived thru not just the eighties, but the ninties as well....I need to find a new theme song! Like hairstyles, one must try at times to change with the times. So here my search begins....

And this is where I am assigning all who read this post, an assignment. This assignment is Find your theme song, and post it. To all of my home girls (also a test of whether or not you're reading me anymore?) Jenny, Shelly, Vickie and Lori. You can post a comment on here, without being a member or having to sign up. Post it under anonymous, and just put your name IN the message, at the end of "your song" And Jackie, I wanna see yours too. And any suggestions you may have for me. I am looking for somthing more appropriate for me NOW. Not me of the eighties or the ninties. So to all who read my foggy drug induced ramblings of the evening, I want your songs. You too, http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ and http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ What song makes you feel good, that you would claim it as yours;-) I look forward to reading some songs!

Now, one other rambling. I have blog envy! I saw the most eye catching blog! I am amazed at the amount of imagination, and I have to say it, TALENT, that goes into some of these sites! So, if you get a chance, check out http://barefootramblings.blogspot.com/ I AM jealous, but also inspired. I intend to try and learn different things you can do to web sites, or blogs, to enhance them. And; it only took me many many hours, but I did figure out, and successfully attach a counter to my site!!! I am quite pleased with myself. Although my true goal, still lies ahead of me.

But for now, my cat Smoky and I must bid you all goodnight! And, sweet dreams.

As taken from Gannetts AZ Republic 1/24/04

Lord, we ask for stronger faith, and for you to teach us to trust, when we do not see or understand. Amen.


The art of dealing with one's enemies, is an art no less necessary, then knowing how to appreciate one's friends.
(Truman Capote, American Writer 1924-1984)


Even if your parents do tell you about the birds and the bees, they never mention mortgages on hives and aviaries.