Boundaries can be defined as “things that indicate bounds or limits; a limited or bounding line.” They’re used to establish property lines and psychologists over the years have used them quite a bit with their patients who haven’t learned how to establish personal boundaries.

For an example, (This is hard for me, I’m writing off the top of my head, and since I have been very poor in the area of establishing boundaries, it’s not easy coming up with an example) I’m going to pull from my own life. An example of a boundary would be setting up plans to do something fun, and then having your Mom say, “No I think we should do this.” And then I would dutifully say OK, usually taking the heat from my husband for crumbling under my authoritarian mother’s bossiness.

I have spent my life, (the part I was sober anyway) trying to please others. At all costs. The cost was usually mine in the form of self-esteem, since I didn’t stand up for my boundaries. As well as the bad feelings, hurt, or etc. because someone so thoughtlessly trampled on my boundary, which I thought was perfectly clear. Usually the would-be offender will never know: number one, that they trampled all over my boundary, and number two, that it hurt me as deeply as it did. They will be weeded out of my life, softly, subtly, and never know of the hurt feelings they may have unwittingly caused. That’s more so today than in the past.

In the past, I would ignore it and ignore it and ignore it, until I blew my stack, much like I did yesterday. Of course, if you cannot tell by my writing, I can be one brutal bitch when I feel I have been wronged. I have almost unconsciously hunted down each person’s triggers, or hot spots. You know, the areas in someone’s life where there is residual pain, and I go for it like it was their jugular. Of course the minute I do that, my point on boundaries is lost in the fray. I am no longer an injured party, but the attacker; the victim has no idea why they are being attacked so brutally. (Another family-of-origin trait)

I want to change this unhealthy behavior, but life-long habits learned within our families of origin are not easy to conquer. To understand that, I’ll use an example from my childhood.

There is a family dynamic that to this day, not only do any of us question, but it continues unfettered by anything resembling healthy and real:

Ok, the house is in a shambles, and company will be there in three hours. Thus begins the ranting and raving. “WHY hasn’t this been done? Who spilled sugar on the floor?” A fight breaks out between my parents, name-calling, and shame based-end-of-the-world screaming, we scatter to our rooms, not wanting to be noticed and pulled into the fray. We were certain this is it. (We were kids, I’m not sure any of us knew what “it” was. But it was scary) Somehow miraculously, the house becomes company ready, although the fight still festers and there is yelling and screaming throughout the process of making house company ready.

Then the doorbell rings. Company enters the home to see nothing but smiling faces, jokes, laughter, hugs and kisses. I have come to dub this behavior, The Norman Rockwell Syndrome. Compliments are made on what “well behaved children my young parents have. What a happy family we are!” If I didn’t know better I would believe we invented the Norman Rockwell Syndrome. But I’ve no doubt this is a common occurrence throughout households.

In fact, in the few cases where I have been the guest; instead of allowing for Norman Rockwell syndrome to take over, the hosts continue with their troubles.  I now label them rude, inconsiderate, and mark them off of my social calendar. Which is healthier? I haven’t a clue. Do you?

Back to boundaries. For a long time now, I thought I had set up boundaries, because (The X-man withstanding) they were not being trampled on at such a pace where I found myself emotionally hurt, discouraged, and depressed. (Of course I moved a thousand miles away from my family too)

Life was good. Of course what I had really done is shut myself away from most of the world. Developed a hard shell where strangers were concerned, and chalked friends up as easy come easy go. I never judged their behavior, and they didn’t mine. If they did, they were history.

I know I have some more work to do on boundaries. A LOT more work on boundaries. But as far as cutting people out, I’m trying to re-think my attitude. Suffice it to say, if someone has proven time and time again, that they are indeed toxic and detrimental to my psychological and physical well being, they will or have been cut out of my life.

What I want, what I strive for is balance and peace. With love and some joy sprinkled in there along the way. I don’t like chaos, or loud chaos, or changes in plans that I feel were changed solely because someone wanted to stamp their thumbprint on the plans. I have a family FULL of thumbprint stampers that usually will have me emotionally exhausted by the time I hit my front door. WHY? Because I will go along with others’ plans. It’s called going with the flow, motivated by wanting to please others. But when you have four different people saying four different things, and then a couple of them look at you for your input I literally want to jump out of my skin. Or jump on an airplane back to my safe fortress.

Yes I have some work to do psychologically. I don’t know if smoking was something that helped me avoid owning my shit, or just helped me bury my feelings...All I know now, is there is all this junk I haven’t worked through that seems to be bubbling up all over the place.

And this is my intent for the time being, for this blog. I’ll definitely sprinkle in some fun times that I have with my husband and my kids. But overall, I would say this blog will be filled with more than a little psycho-babble.

I have to admit, yesterday some family turmoil and my ensuing emotional breakdown caused me to slip up and buy a pack of cigarettes. Yes I sat and smoked myself into a nice comfortably numb zombie state. By the way, after 6 weeks, they taste like a litter box. The rest of the pack was broken to pieces, and I’m back on the smoke-free bandwagon. I quit for me, and I’m sure as Hell not going to let “family-antics” ruin it for me. Whatever it takes to be smoke-free, I’m committed to that path. Even if it means avoiding certain family members indefinitely.

Well, whoever may or may not be left at the end this, thanks for reading.

3T