Getting Closer

This is probably going to throw a bad light on me, and I’m OK with that. Most of my life I’ve had the problem of not being able to say “No, I can’t.” Consequently, over the years I find myself overwhelmed by what I consider others’ expectations.

Having recognized this through counseling, rather than take the harder road of becoming more assertive, I find myself withdrawing if I believe there are expectations of me that I can’t or just do not want to commit to.

Part of the problem I know was how I interpreted different parts of the Bible; Helping one another, loving one another, showing love. But where exactly does one draw the line of overextending yourself and hurting one’s own life in the process?

I do not believe that God would want His people to be doormats. That wasn’t the point of His Word. (In my opinion) Showing love through actions is a good thing. But there comes a point when you need to recognize you cannot nor should you meet everyone’s needs that may cross your path. I believe this to be a distortion of God’s Word, that comes in really handy for dysfunctional, enabling codependents. No one loves a codependent more than the users of the world. When they bleed you dry, they move on to the next well-meaning co-dependent and/or Christian.

And this is where my story begins. For six years we have lived next door to neighbors with whom I would say we haven’t spoken more than 50 words. I like it that way. I choose my friends based on who I enjoy being with. Not by geographical location. (aka; next door neighbors) That doesn’t mean I’m not pleasant to them, or have the occasional conversation, if I happen to be out shooting photos.

For someone who has no problem vomiting up all my thoughts and feelings in a public forum, I also happen to be very private. I don’t want my space or my world invaded unless I invite them in. So I was slightly confused when all of a sudden my next door neighbor starts acting like she wants us to be best buddies. Red Flags came up almost immediately. But I fought the urge to shut down and visited with her on occasion.

It soon became apparent WHY my neighbor lady wanted to be bosom buddies all of a sudden. Our quiet neighbors recently aquired three little rugrats. For their privacy I won’t go into details but to say there are emotional and severe learning disability problems with these three young kids, who happen to be her grandchildren.

It didn’t take too many conversations with her before the words like adult children with drug problems, and CPS, and foster parenting started being slipped into the conversation. I knew at this point exactly where she was headed, and I also knew I am NOT the person to be her support system. Call it cold if you like, but at the age of 45 I have come to know well what my limitations are. My kids are teens, one with his own set of scholastic problems. I have a chronic illness that will have me in bed for days at a time. And I never know when it will hit. I know my thresh hold for stress and tension, and when it will bring on the pain.

I have taken great measures to eliminate as much stress as is possible from my life. I have simplified my life enough for my comfort level. Sometimes I feel I barely have enough energy and attention to devote to the kids that God entrusted me with. My goal: to do right by MY kids, and work and build on my marriage. Now add a household to take care of. Between these goals / responsibilities, I take care of ME.

I’ve done the diapers, the homework help and the book reading. My life has simplified more as my kids became older. I replaced that time with hobbies that were relaxing to me. Thus, good for my health. My life is without a doubt simple. I make no apologies for that.

I have come to look upon my neighbor as a steamroller. One who also recognizes my weakness of not being able to say, “I can’t.” Do I feel bad for these innocent children? Yes, I do. But I am well aware of the many resources this neighbor has available to her. Professionals, trained to deal with the problems of children who have been severely neglected and/or abused.

I’m not suggesting I don’t have my own ministry, doing what I can within my limitations. Something I do not believe in revealing basically because if it’s truly done out of love from Jesus, we shouldn’t be taking our own bows. However, I do not feel called or capable to take on this woman’s or her grandchildren’s problems.

I just spent one hour with this woman and all three kids. She IS a steamroller who knows how to manipulate circumstances to fit her agenda. Albeit a well-intentioned agenda of helping and protecting her grandchildren. This may very well be her ministry in life. Due to her health problems, I have my doubts. I believe she is biting off far more than she can chew. Or she is allowing for me to believe this. Either way, I cannot allow this chaos and emotional upheaval to invade my home or affect my kids.

Over the past couple of months, I have literally taken to hiding from her. Having the kids answer the door and say I’m sick. Paul screens the calls and lets her know I’m not available. Cowardly? Yes. Well intentioned? YES. I just haven’t been able to communicate boundaries with her. When I try, she steamrolls right over them.

Today’s manipulation however flabberghasted me. With Riley present she proceeds to tell me that the way “Paul hides you; looks as if you have a drug problem. And it just doesn’t look right. You should get out and meet more people.” At this point all I could think was I had a mother I rarely listened to when I was supposed to. I’ll be damned if this practical stranger is going to come into my home and tell me how I should live my life. I do realize this was a ploy to manipulate me into further immersing myself into her family’s mess. (Picking up Tayler from basketball now)

When I returned, she was waiting in her driveway for me. I do believe she realized she overstepped herself. All of a sudden she’s talking friendship and helping each other out. The kids today were well behaved. But, this was their first time here, and if I know anything about kids, when they feel comfortable their personalities change into rugrats. Which isn’t the point at all. The point is, this ISN’T my ministry! I have looked forward to some of the freedoms that having teenagers has afforded me. And I don’t want neighbors who we haven’t interacted with in six years, all of a sudden deciding to be “our friends” so that we can meet their needs!

All are nice enough. But this isn’t the road I want to take, and I believe I shouldn’t have to. My dilemma is how to combat this with civility and diplomacy. In all honesty I’m not sure that’s possible with this woman. Her outburst about Paul hiding me, let me know loud and clear she has no problem playing passive/aggressive to get her way. She is exactly the personality type I have avoided for years!

My gut instinct is to let Paul go to her husband and talk to him. To take the easy way out. I know that it would be awkward after the fact. Do I cave and help her out on occasion? The problem with this is my gut tells me it would be more of a constant than an occasion. Is it time for me to step up to the plate and try on some assertiveness face-to-face? I thought about handling it on a case-by-case basis. I’m scheduled yet again on the 27th to watch her three little grandchildren. I’m committed and will follow through. I’m just afraid once I’m sucked into this mess, I won’t be able to extricate myself from it.

When it comes to neighbors, I’m keenly aware of how bad blood can make your home and haven into a nightmare. Our cat that likes hanging out in their yard may no longer be welcome. Or worse, they could hurt or poison him, since after six years he seems to trust going into their backyard. Thier palm trees that they finally cut down. (They never manicured them and the palms would end up clogging our pool filters daily, and occasionally breaking the vacuum) At great expense I might add.

And this is why, to a mild extent, I’ve become far more reclusive than in years past. I crave simplicity. I detest chaos. My kids are at an age where the routine is set. There are not many surprises, we all know the schedules and adhere to them. Something that being married to their Dad never afforded me. Something my present husband has given me in spades.

I wonder if this is supposed to be an opportunity for personal growth. But in what manner? Something I know I must sleep on, and pray about. I can’t help but feel resentment that I have to deal with this at all. If there’s something I’m supposed to learn through this, I want to. But I don’t believe that lesson involves being used by a neighbor. A neighbor whose own husband doesn’t help her out. But I’m supposed to???