The countdown has begun to Kevin’s surgery. This week has been a slam in the face back into reality, after successfully stepping out of reality into Oahu! Personally I hadn’t realized just how successful both of us were, not allowing his cancer or his impending surgery to interfere with being able to just have fun getting away from life.

This came to a halt with his pre-surgery appointment at the hospital. The amount of information had/has both of our heads swimming. The length of recovery time now seems to be far more extensive than we both originally had thought. The amount of information, without going into the details, had me fearful that somehow I would fail him in taking care of him post-op.

Since HMOs overtook health insurance, hospital stays are at a drastic minimum, now placing the responsibility of nursing care directly on a loved one’s shoulders. In some ways this can be seen as a positive, as who will care more than those who love you. Logically, the shorter the hospital stay, the less risk of germs causing infections in compromised surgical patients. But on the flip-side, it means learning some nursing basics in order to effectively minimize the risk of infection. Knowing what to look for, watching for any sign of fever, and the cleaning and care of the catheter.

If I’m completely honest, I’m petrified. I love this man! I DON’T want to f*ck up his care!  On that note, if I could prevail on all of my readers out there who I know as nothing short of prayer warriors; I want your prayers! I’m scared, period. I’m unsure of my ability to do this effectively, and it has had the potential this past week of literally making me sick to my stomach! My dad and I, in one of our joking visits decades ago, would joke, “God help the man who has to depend on you for his care Teri!” Well here I am. Excuse me while I throw-up.

I know I will do my best to be what he needs, although the fear of falling short remains.

Friday morning, I take him in to surgery. The closer it gets, the sicker I feel. And I know this must be nothing to what is going though his mind right now. He is handling it, how Kevin has always handled his worries. He stays busy, throwing himself into his job, errands, anything. I wish I was more like that. I dwell on it, obsess over it, worry about it, allowing it to rob me of energy and drain me emotionally. Not very healthy to say the least. This week, my efforts will be to “let go, and let God.” For all of our sakes.