Stumbling Through Life With Grace

Tue 06.21

Happy 21st Birthday Robby!

Dear Robby,
It’s official. You’re an adult in every legal way. It astounds and amazes me! The first words uttered when you were born, was “look how BIG his head is!"I remember a momentary concern, until I heard the admiring comments of the nurses.I still see you, the doctor holding you over me, and then handing you to your grandfather to comfort you. You were screaming your lungs out at that moment. And I, never having given birth before, and having labored 24 hours straight, was more then a little dopey. (That coulda been the demerol too.)

I brought you home, and your grandmother stayed with me for a week. I remember when she was leaving, and I cried, as I looked at you. Sure that somehow I was going to screw up this thing called motherhood, and end up hurting you. You were such a beautiful baby. With the biggest most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen on a baby! As you grew you kept those blue eyes, and used them to flirt with everyone around you. Whether we were in the line at a grocery store, at the bank, or visiting your grandparents. You had a flirty sparkle and ready toothless smile for anyone who might glance your way. I was proud.

You were only two and a half months old, when you saved my life. The maternal instinct to protect was stronger then my self esteem and my love for an evil man. I am sure to this day, had I not took you and left, he would have eventually killed me. I have always believed this and held firmly to the fact that you saved my life. You and your grandfather, who was strong enough, to keep him away from us.

Robby, you were there, part of me during some of the worst months of my life. Caring for you, loving you, kept me from allowing myself to fall so completely into depression during the months that followed my divorce. You were so engaging. I couldn’t go anywhere without being stopped by strangers, who wanted to admire your beauty and charm.

When we met your dad, he too fell for your charm, and loved you like his own, from very early on. And quickly made you his own when you were almost two. You started bouncing a basket ball around, almost before you could walk. You went thru set after set of basketball indoor nerf hoop sets until you were big enough to run.Unless there were people around to charm, you always wanted to be playing basket ball. And did.

You were my first Robby. I made a multitude of mistakes while raising you. I was harder on you, then your brother and sister. I expected perfection out of you, instead of luxuriating in all the wonderful intricacies that made you Robby. You were special beyond belief, and I was too young to see it completely. Caught up in my own problems and desires, I missed some fantastic moments with you.

The one thing, as I write this, that stands out in my mind, is how you could always manage to make me laugh. You were genuinely funny! You could take a tense moment, or one of my bad moods, or yes, hangovers, and turn me into laughter. Your impressions as a child of Jim Carrey, Pet Detective, NEVER ceased to make me laugh. (To this day, your impressions will have me laughing) You truly could charm a nun outta her Habit!

You loved, so unconditionally, that to this day, I cannot think of it without tearing up. There were many times thru the years, when I would have to come to you and say I was sorry. That I had over reacted. That it was PMS, a bad mood, a fight with your dad. And always so completely you forgave my mistakes, my screaming, and enveloped me in your hug! Immediate forgiveness, you gave when I would admit my shortcomings. Which was far more then you received from me, if you were in trouble.You were/are an inspiration, to unconditional love.

As you grew, and I settled down, we had some great years of watching you move up the basketball court, with grace, style and finesse. Jealous parents, nicknamed you showboat. But no one at your age, handled a basketball like you did. It was an amazing thing to watch! I know that you know I am not a sports fan, of any sport. But I am a fan of yours, and loved to watch you school the kids on the court.

I was there watching, as you found your first love. How gentle, and caring you were with her. I drove the two of you on your first “date” and watched it blossom over the years. For some reason, that time too, will always be special to me. I remember like it was last night, heading in the van, as I tore you away from the only home and life you knew in WA to come here to Arizona. Had the sun and heat, not helped my health so much, I would have turned around and stayed. Your gut wrenching sobs, from the back of the van shredded my resolve that this was a good thing to move. My love for you, my urge to protect and comfort you, I thought at those moments would be the death of me.

Your hurt and anger that lasted many many months in Arizona, broke my heart. I prayed and prayed that God would give you peace and a life here that would surpass what you had known in WA. And through all of your resentment and hurt, rarely did you ever rebel, when most kids do. You were respectful, although I know you had shut me out. I will always be sorry for the pain that I caused you during that time.

Then you met Cheryl. A beautiful blonde with soft blue eyes, and a warm heart. Again I got to watch you fall in love, and start to grow into a young adult. Driving, getting your first car, dances, more proms. Your first job, and of course more basket ball. Your graduation from High School, had me in tears! And yes I know it was in the middle of a dust storm; but the tears would have been there regardless.

Watching you develop goals for your future. Deciding what career path you wanted to take. Learning, trying and sometimes failing at biting my tongue. Always wanting to dictate the correct and “right” path for you. Oh what patience you had with me Robby! Rarely allowing me to drive you to out and out rebel against me, and my imagined authority at this phase of your life. Damn! What a wise young adult you have become! I don’t take credit for this Robby; but I do thank God for bringing you along, and giving you what you needed, to become the young man that you are today.

I know for all intensive purposes, my job, as mom to you is complete. I know this Robby. But in my heart of hearts, you are and always will be, that beautiful 9 pound two ounce baby, that projectile vomited all over, when I tried to breast feed you!!!;-) Damn those percocet and the ill effects it has on breast milk! Yeah, I know, I couldn’t keep it completely serious, the tears were getting in the way of my typing abilities.

I know in the future, I may screw up, and revert to trying to “parent” you. I’m saying I’m sorry right now. And telling you, that it is and always will be out of concern and love for you. Wanting to spare you from the pitfalls in life, that sometimes are only seen by those who have already gone thru them. I know that I can’t. That you must go thru them, and learn from them on your own. This concept is completely contrary to my role as mom.("Don’t touch, HOT! Look both ways before crossing! Wear your helmet while you’re on your bike!") It goes against the grain, not trying to protect you. But I tell you I will continually fight my urge to dictate, or correct. To show you the respect, of one adult to another. Always tempered with my love as your mommy in the early years.

I only have a few things left to say to you Rob. I love you so deeply, so completely! My pride in you, knows no bounds. My belief in you is complete. My concern for you, overwhelming. But always, always steadfast in my heart, is my love for you! As you move into your own world, of your making, I will be here, loving you, and always praying for you, and the family you will build one day.

Happy 21st Birthday Robert!
I love you.

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3T (3rd Times a Charm) @ 07:30 AM
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