I decided it was time to throw something up on the blog, until I take the time to sit and really write a diary post.

Paul is working long hours at work. The kids are preparing for a trip to Washington state and Bible camp w/her cousins. Robby turns 25 on June 21st. He’s working at a hospital right now, in patient transport; while going to school.He’s working to start nursing school soon. We’re having a Birthday party for him at my house this Sunday.

We’ve actually been very busy, I just haven’t taken the time to write about it. So I’m going to post quizzes off and on today, and hopefully I’ll feel the urge to write by the weekend.

This Quiz: What’s Your Beauty Element? (Don’t ask me what that means, I haven’t a clue.

Your Beauty Element is Fire

Wild and sexy, you keep your beauty style smokin’ hot. You’re not afraid of glamour or showing off your assets! You tend to be addicted to beauty products, and it’s not an addiction that comes cheap. For you, it’s all about looking good… no matter how much it costs.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day today! A BIG Happy Birthday to my daughter-in-law’s sister, Pamela! Make it a great day and all about you, Pamela!

Love,
3T

Has no affiliation with Cocky Taco, Cache OR Cashe Catering, Dondra (DeeDee) Maza and Roxanne Bedford. Any past, perceived, business affiliation was obtained without full disclosure.

Warning: Be very careful who you give or invest your money with!

Adele, who won a Grammy for New Artisit of the Year, redid a Bob Dylan song that is beautiful. I love the melody and the lyrics!  Never in a million years would I have thought I’d post anything by Bob Dylan. A long story made brief, my first husband, who was emotionally, physically and mentally abusive, would play everything Bob Dylan did all night long when he was on one of his binges. Along with his music of choice usually came torture and physical abuse. Saying nothing of the sleep deprivation he inflicted.

If he was in a particularly poetic mood, he’d drag me out of bed and make me read aloud from Dylan’s writings in a book he had that seemed to go on forever. It took me decades before I could hear Bob Dylan and not feel anger and rage build up inside me. Coming full circle, my husband today also was / is a Bob Dylan fan with many CDs in his collection. CDs that were put up in a box and away from my sight.

It’s only after being married to the kind and gentle man I’m married to, that I’ve allowed myself to let go of the association between Bob Dylan and the cowardly asshole I made the mistake of marrying so many years ago. I now appreciate some of Bob Dylan’s works, and recognize his talent as a songwriter / poet.

Beyond that, I can’t imagine anyone, Dylan included, performing this song as beautifully as Adele has done on her first CD. If you haven’t picked it up, I highly recommend Adele’s CD Chasing Pavements. Her title song Chasing Pavements is phenomenal as well. Hope you enjoy this beautiful music!

Love,
3T

FEAR the BIRDS! May they kick some Steelers butt!

Getting Closer

This is probably going to throw a bad light on me, and I’m OK with that. Most of my life I’ve had the problem of not being able to say “No, I can’t.” Consequently, over the years I find myself overwhelmed by what I consider others’ expectations.

Having recognized this through counseling, rather than take the harder road of becoming more assertive, I find myself withdrawing if I believe there are expectations of me that I can’t or just do not want to commit to.

Part of the problem I know was how I interpreted different parts of the Bible; Helping one another, loving one another, showing love. But where exactly does one draw the line of overextending yourself and hurting one’s own life in the process?

I do not believe that God would want His people to be doormats. That wasn’t the point of His Word. (In my opinion) Showing love through actions is a good thing. But there comes a point when you need to recognize you cannot nor should you meet everyone’s needs that may cross your path. I believe this to be a distortion of God’s Word, that comes in really handy for dysfunctional, enabling codependents. No one loves a codependent more than the users of the world. When they bleed you dry, they move on to the next well-meaning co-dependent and/or Christian.

And this is where my story begins. For six years we have lived next door to neighbors with whom I would say we haven’t spoken more than 50 words. I like it that way. I choose my friends based on who I enjoy being with. Not by geographical location. (aka; next door neighbors) That doesn’t mean I’m not pleasant to them, or have the occasional conversation, if I happen to be out shooting photos.

For someone who has no problem vomiting up all my thoughts and feelings in a public forum, I also happen to be very private. I don’t want my space or my world invaded unless I invite them in. So I was slightly confused when all of a sudden my next door neighbor starts acting like she wants us to be best buddies. Red Flags came up almost immediately. But I fought the urge to shut down and visited with her on occasion.

It soon became apparent WHY my neighbor lady wanted to be bosom buddies all of a sudden. Our quiet neighbors recently aquired three little rugrats. For their privacy I won’t go into details but to say there are emotional and severe learning disability problems with these three young kids, who happen to be her grandchildren.

It didn’t take too many conversations with her before the words like adult children with drug problems, and CPS, and foster parenting started being slipped into the conversation. I knew at this point exactly where she was headed, and I also knew I am NOT the person to be her support system. Call it cold if you like, but at the age of 45 I have come to know well what my limitations are. My kids are teens, one with his own set of scholastic problems. I have a chronic illness that will have me in bed for days at a time. And I never know when it will hit. I know my thresh hold for stress and tension, and when it will bring on the pain.

I have taken great measures to eliminate as much stress as is possible from my life. I have simplified my life enough for my comfort level. Sometimes I feel I barely have enough energy and attention to devote to the kids that God entrusted me with. My goal: to do right by MY kids, and work and build on my marriage. Now add a household to take care of. Between these goals / responsibilities, I take care of ME.

I’ve done the diapers, the homework help and the book reading. My life has simplified more as my kids became older. I replaced that time with hobbies that were relaxing to me. Thus, good for my health. My life is without a doubt simple. I make no apologies for that.

I have come to look upon my neighbor as a steamroller. One who also recognizes my weakness of not being able to say, “I can’t.” Do I feel bad for these innocent children? Yes, I do. But I am well aware of the many resources this neighbor has available to her. Professionals, trained to deal with the problems of children who have been severely neglected and/or abused.

I’m not suggesting I don’t have my own ministry, doing what I can within my limitations. Something I do not believe in revealing basically because if it’s truly done out of love from Jesus, we shouldn’t be taking our own bows. However, I do not feel called or capable to take on this woman’s or her grandchildren’s problems.

I just spent one hour with this woman and all three kids. She IS a steamroller who knows how to manipulate circumstances to fit her agenda. Albeit a well-intentioned agenda of helping and protecting her grandchildren. This may very well be her ministry in life. Due to her health problems, I have my doubts. I believe she is biting off far more than she can chew. Or she is allowing for me to believe this. Either way, I cannot allow this chaos and emotional upheaval to invade my home or affect my kids.

Over the past couple of months, I have literally taken to hiding from her. Having the kids answer the door and say I’m sick. Paul screens the calls and lets her know I’m not available. Cowardly? Yes. Well intentioned? YES. I just haven’t been able to communicate boundaries with her. When I try, she steamrolls right over them.

Today’s manipulation however flabberghasted me. With Riley present she proceeds to tell me that the way “Paul hides you; looks as if you have a drug problem. And it just doesn’t look right. You should get out and meet more people.” At this point all I could think was I had a mother I rarely listened to when I was supposed to. I’ll be damned if this practical stranger is going to come into my home and tell me how I should live my life. I do realize this was a ploy to manipulate me into further immersing myself into her family’s mess. (Picking up Tayler from basketball now)

When I returned, she was waiting in her driveway for me. I do believe she realized she overstepped herself. All of a sudden she’s talking friendship and helping each other out. The kids today were well behaved. But, this was their first time here, and if I know anything about kids, when they feel comfortable their personalities change into rugrats. Which isn’t the point at all. The point is, this ISN’T my ministry! I have looked forward to some of the freedoms that having teenagers has afforded me. And I don’t want neighbors who we haven’t interacted with in six years, all of a sudden deciding to be “our friends” so that we can meet their needs!

All are nice enough. But this isn’t the road I want to take, and I believe I shouldn’t have to. My dilemma is how to combat this with civility and diplomacy. In all honesty I’m not sure that’s possible with this woman. Her outburst about Paul hiding me, let me know loud and clear she has no problem playing passive/aggressive to get her way. She is exactly the personality type I have avoided for years!

My gut instinct is to let Paul go to her husband and talk to him. To take the easy way out. I know that it would be awkward after the fact. Do I cave and help her out on occasion? The problem with this is my gut tells me it would be more of a constant than an occasion. Is it time for me to step up to the plate and try on some assertiveness face-to-face? I thought about handling it on a case-by-case basis. I’m scheduled yet again on the 27th to watch her three little grandchildren. I’m committed and will follow through. I’m just afraid once I’m sucked into this mess, I won’t be able to extricate myself from it.

When it comes to neighbors, I’m keenly aware of how bad blood can make your home and haven into a nightmare. Our cat that likes hanging out in their yard may no longer be welcome. Or worse, they could hurt or poison him, since after six years he seems to trust going into their backyard. Thier palm trees that they finally cut down. (They never manicured them and the palms would end up clogging our pool filters daily, and occasionally breaking the vacuum) At great expense I might add.

And this is why, to a mild extent, I’ve become far more reclusive than in years past. I crave simplicity. I detest chaos. My kids are at an age where the routine is set. There are not many surprises, we all know the schedules and adhere to them. Something that being married to their Dad never afforded me. Something my present husband has given me in spades.

I wonder if this is supposed to be an opportunity for personal growth. But in what manner? Something I know I must sleep on, and pray about. I can’t help but feel resentment that I have to deal with this at all. If there’s something I’m supposed to learn through this, I want to. But I don’t believe that lesson involves being used by a neighbor. A neighbor whose own husband doesn’t help her out. But I’m supposed to???

December Rose

It’s been eons and ages since I’ve updated everyone on what’s been going on, and I thought it was about time to write what we’ve been up to. Not everyday around the 3T household is tears and fears. 

“Busy and socially rewarding” would be the simplest way to sum it up.

We had Paul’s brother Tim and his wife Anita come for a desert visit in November. Anita has a brother living here as well. In addition to the opportunity to catch up on family, Paul and I had the priviledge of meeting Anita’s brother and family. “Down to earth” and “fun” would be how I would describe them. I did a first while out at Anita’s brother’s house: A straight shot of Patrone Tequila, followed by the most amazing coffee that I wished I’d gotten the name of! As it’s expensive, it wouldn’t be everyday coffee, but it would be great to have it around for special occasions. (Starbucks works for everyday use)

We simultaneously were preparing for a crowd on Thanksgiving. With both the kids’ Dad and his Mom, as well as my new D-I-L’s parents and all of the kids it was a tight fit, but we made it work. And had a wonderful time visiting with everyone! (Photos of both visits to go up on Flickr as soon as I get the energy back to edit, crop and upload all)

On the heels of Thanksgiving came Christmas shopping. Admittedly this year was not quite the chore (or expense) it has been years past. I spend all year collecting eclectic stocking stuffers as well as piles of makeup from Lancome free gifts to make little goodie bags for my teen neices. That’s something I’ve made a habit of doing over the past seven years. Our families decided that this year we would all cut back, not buy for the adults, and the 3T family would hop a plane to Washington state for my first Christmas home in eight years.

As it was a wonderful time to be with family over this special Holiday, I’m glad we did it! Tayler and I worked hard all month putting together a DeHart scrapbook for my parents as a Christmas gift. An idea that didn’t spring up until the beginning of December, so we scrambled for photos, stealing from facebooks, flickr accounts, and what we had managed to take over Rob & Cheryl’s wedding, as well as our quick trip to Las Vegas to watch Gregory perform at a convention on his skateboard. For my parents, I had three of my Dad’s best shots out in the Mt. Adams area blown up. Hitting Michaels for frames and matting, it was fun putting it together myself. In some ways I found the sentimental gifts far more rewarding than retail shopping. And to top it off, this was the first Christmas EVER we didn’t put gifts on credit cards. Which gave the Holiday a much freer feel to it, knowing that come January the statements would not be rolling in.

NOW, on returning for Christmas to Washington state, I have only two words: NO. WAY. The first time I go home for a visit in the dead of winter and they have their worst snowstorms in 50 years. My doctor had prepared me with medication that would take the edge off of the Fibro pain, but trust me when I say it wasn’t enough. Dad, I know you can understand this; He refers to the state of Arizona as “you moved to Hell Teri.” Well Dad, you live in a wet, cold, mossy, moldy state that I half expect will break into the ocean, giving US ocean front property.  Washington will not see my shadow again until the dead of a summer. Paul and I froze our asses off. We’re thin blooded desert dwellers now and that cold snow, ice, wet winter just doesn’t cut it for us. My mild winters here seem too cold sometimes.

Well after the Holiday travel, getting home was pleasant. For a few days, until all the activity caught up with me. Add some weird flu bug to a nasty episode of Fibro and you have a wife and mother who has very little energy, and spends part of her days each day in bed. I think I’m feeling better now, at least in spurts. Last night was rough, but this morning has me feeling a little more energy.

I want to thank those who remembered us this Holiday Season with Christmas cards. It meant a lot to us. Even though I didn’t get the time to send many out. A special “Thank-You to Margie and Mike, (Paul’s sis and B-I-L) for the huge box of baked goodies! Trust me when I say NONE of it went to waste. Although it did go to waist. (Grrrr..) You did break the rules though, by sending gifts to Riley and Tayler. A very generous and sweet gesture, I graciously thank you for. Margie, you are one in a million, and we love you!

The kids ended the school semester fairly well. Tayler is doing the advanced classes and came away with a cumulative 4.1 GPA . Riley just started Jr. High and spent the semester getting used to a whole new program from elementary school. I’d have to say he’s had his rough spots, but managed an average GPA for the semester. A work in progress, I have faith he’ll finish getting it together.

Rob and Cheryl seem to be very happy. As it is with many young marrieds I know they lead a very busy schedule between jobs, house, and the wide array of friends they socialize with. Still, they make time for family. They took Riley and Tayler overnight on our Anniversary for us. A gesture I’ll not soon forget. Thank you Rob & Cheryl, we love you both dearly.

The problems I was not at liberty to discuss a few months ago in this space have resolved themselves. Well, for now anyway. One of these days I need to really embrace “and this too shall pass.” And trust God more. I know what gets in the way of it. An obssessive need to feel some sense of control over life. I have to give that up, to really be able to relax, let go, and let God. WOW, how many cliche lines did I put in this paragraph? Cliche or not, I know the truth. I know it works. I just need the strength and discipline to apply it.

I hope everyone had a good start to the New Year! Ours was quiet and homebound. Which was exactly what we needed after the last two busy months.

My prayer is to a better year in 2009! A year I hope that will hold health, learning, loving and laughing.

Love,
3T
PS. GOOOOOOOO CARDINALS!!!

This was so beautiful it moved me to quiet tears. Hope you enjoy it!

Love,
3T