Why does Monday bother me so much? As it has become extremely apparent, that come Monday morning, I am irritated, foggy and just not functioning on all cylinders, I have been trying to figure out the Whys, in hopes of changing at least my state of mind.
To start with, I get up, read the paper as usual and have my morning coffee. Making sure breakfast paraphernalia is laid out for the rugrats, as well as their school clothes, and lunch/lunch money, what ever the case may be. This is somewhat culture shock, as the week-end usually holds sleeping in and family activities or special moments with the hubby. This day holds the start of the week-day routine.
I am coming to the conclusion that maybe I don’t like my personal week routine. I’m not sure what, if anything I am going to do to change it at the moment, but I am thinking I need to do something. What that is remains a mystery to me. It has been well over a year and a half since I was forced (by a work layoff) into my SAHM status. At first, it was going to be temporary, summer was upon us, and it suited everyone that I was here with the kids and at home.
Come January of this last year, I was hit with one ailment after another, that has had me in and out of doctors offices, and dealing with some intense chronic back pain. Working outside of the home, didn’t seem like much of an option during this period. Part of me was wondering how much I really wanted to go back into an office routine, that was to put it bluntly, boring. That opinion hasn’t changed since then.
So now, here I am, finally not living with chronic pain (although I have my moments, what I assume everyone does at times) and I have to say it. I’m bored. Cleaning up breakfast dishes, looking at the mess that inevitably is all around me, does not motivate me. Playing chauffer to my rugrats and their many activities, although I feel good they are able to do them, doesn’t leave me with much of a sense of accomplishment. In fact, I would venture to say, that basically NOTHING I do in my day to day leaves me with much of a sense of accomplishment. I very much feel like a cliche. The bored housewife. A mush brain, whose life consists of nothing note worthy, or interesting. There I said it. I don’t know what I am going to do to change it. But I feel change is going to be necessary, in order for me to feel like I am contributing something worthwhile.
Another quandary before me, is trying to figure out what the hell I am interested in! Honest to goodness, basically nothing comes to mind. To my benefit, I am blessed with a husband who literally supports me in anything I would like to do. He doesn’t care whether I work, stay at home, volunteer or go back to school. At the moment, I feel paralyzed, and bewildered at what that “something” to do might be. It seems I have no interests worth pursuing. That’s a rather bleak thought.
I know in a very real sense, I am indulged and spoiled. Basically not being held accountable for anything in my days beyond getting the kids to activities, keeping them fed, and being a listening ear for my husband and his work day. It’s not enough. I have no idea what will make me feel less useless. Fear of failure has often kept me from pursuing new interests in life. Whether that is the culprit or not, I’m not sure yet.
What I am sure of, is that whatever it is I am hiding from in life, becomes glaringly obvious on Monday morning. I see the husband out the door to a career he finds challenging, and funds our lifestyle. I then cart the kiddies off to get their education, a goal in life that will last them years into the future. I am then left alone to my own devices, with no sense of purpose. Come Tuesday, my mind has cleared, and my self doubt is tucked away solidly for the week, engrossed in the routine of kids and stolen moments with the man I love.
I have no idea what will motivate me to change my circumstances either. This is going to sound extremely pathetic, but the fact is, I have spent my life wishing for something other then what I have. Chasing a dream of actually being in love with the man I am married to. Owning the American dream, the house I enjoy, a loving husband who is my best friend, and well adjusted happy kids. This dream in one area or another was always just out of reach. I have it all now. All of which I give thanks to God for. But now what?
I can’t believe that just sustaining this is all there is for me. I know, or have known for quite sometime, that beyond a pay check, I have never been ambitious. I don’t believe I am now either. My past is riddled with taking the phrase “fun-loving” to extremes. A fact I know the man in my life (who ever he was at the moment) has always enjoyed. Let’s face it, having a good time was something I never skimped on. Unfortunately it hasn’t left me with anything of substance. My accomplishments if numbered overall have been few and far in between. I say this as a matter of fact. It’s just the facts.
I am left with a need to feel passionately about something and pursuing it. But I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to ever short change my husband or my kids, but that aside, there is time for me to pursue something of my own. So just what can a spoiled under-achiever feel passionately enough about to pursue? These are the conundrums that I’m left unable to hide from come Monday morning. They weigh may down and make me irritable, but never enough to bring me to the answers....
Close it Up
3T (3rd Times a Charm)
Monday • 10.24.2005 •
12:30 PM •
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