Hmmm. Fear of being hurt? He would never hurt me intentionally. Or for just this reason. This sense of being lost without him here. I have been on one “Girls Only” nites out, without him. Yes, my girlfriends have all accepted, and embraced, that if 3T is joining us somewhere in the evening, Kevin will be joining us as well. They have come to almost see him, as “one of us.”

He is at a business dinner tonight, that he couldn’t possibly slink out of. I understand, and support it. But still the quiet panic. I remember the one other time he had a business interview for a possible promotion. He got it. But I would have to say that was one of the scariest fights we had had to that point. He came in drunk. Now I don’t know about corporate executives, (having never been one) but never had/have I been on an interview I came out of, intoxicated.

I was nasty to him. He was, well...he was drunk. I remember telling him after more then a few ugly exchanges, in which he got out of bed and was leaving, that if he walked out the door, then don’t ever bother coming back. I wasn’t bluffing. I didn’t “need” him, I still had control of my heart. (Or is that my sanity?)

Things have changed since then. I’m invested. In every possible way I can be. We had promised each other soon after we were married, that we would never spend a night, without each other in bed. And that hasn’t changed. We met later in life, and we are not going to get the standard 40 or 50 years together that couples like my parents, and his
were blessed with.

He’ll be home soon now. So why the quiet panic?