I am either on the 4th or 5th straight day of a migraine meltdown. I have more pills in my system then a junkie. None of which are giving much relief for very long. I’m thankful I don’t have brain tumors or cancer, but that doesn’t stop the pain. The pain is driving me to irritable depression and is making me angry. I finally broke down and did the one thing doctors hate most. I called the answering service and put in a request for a phone call back, on a Saturday. As I had a neck procedure done on Thursday, which amounts to about 8 needle stabs to the back of my neck, I had this pain on top of the migraine.

A somewhat irritated doctor told me to take more pills. Which it did cut some of the blinding pounding pain. Unfortunately it lowered my resistance to combat the negative irritable comments that seem to fly out of my mouth (or keyboard) I have found myself having to apologize every other hour to my husband who should be up for Sainthood by the time this migraine subsides. This man has more patience then any first grade teacher.

He has nursed me thru out the day today. Filling my hot water bottle with ice every hour, bringing me coffee, water, pop and running clear to AJ’s to pick me up a piece of their sinful carrot cake. He made me a delicious dinner of King Crab legs, rib eye steak, a loaf of French bread, broccoli, and drawn garlic butter and a cube of fresh butter for the bread! He even sat thru a chick flick that I thought was lame and corny. But still my easily irritated brain snapped at him more then a few times.

Yesterday I had a procedure to numb the nerve endings on the right side of my neck.  Migraine was there prior to the procedure, but by the time one eye opened up this morning, I had steel drums playing on my skull. God Bless schedule II painkillers! Next time it would behoove me to put masking tape over my mean mouth. Luckily the kids are with their father for the week-end.  My daughters sensitivity would not be able to handle her grouchy mom. Satan’s Spawn (Riley) probably wouldn’t notice, lol.

2005 will go down as one of the worst years I have had as far as physical pain and ailments are concerned. It is starting to get to me. Very discouraging on several different fronts. Tonight was date night with Kevin, and it was cancelled due to my pain. I hate it when that happens. He is very compassionate and giving, and sometimes I feel like he deserves better then a woman afflicted with chronic ailments and pain.

We are going to go away to Laughlin the 3rd week of September, just the two of us. These mini vacations go a long way in reconnecting as lovers and best friends. But that 3rd week of September seems way off in the distance right now. I know it will speed by far faster then I think though.

Besides the pain this past week, I was flattened by a few comments from someone I love dearly, and who I want to respect me. (Not the hubby, he really is up for sainthood) The comments had to do with my blog and my writing. I love this person dearly, which would explain why the criticism hurt so much. I hadn’t shared my web site with this person until very recently. I didn’t want to leave room for this person to critique me. I love writing, putting my feelings to words. It is cathartic mentally and emotionally. And challenges me to work harder at improving my writing. Not to pursue it in any professional capacity, just for my own sense of accomplishment.

I have always enjoyed creative writing clear back into the 4th grade, when I had a teacher who encouraged me and praised my efforts. In 5th grade I was awarded with a creative writing award in front of my whole school. This did more for my confidence and self esteem as a child, then anything else. I loved that teacher. She was warm, caring, encouraging, and made me feel like she genuinely liked me. Mrs. Stebbins was the best.

I have not journeled consistently in a long while. Finding blogging brought a new hobby to my life that very few things have in the last decade. I didn’t want it tainted by criticism by those I love. So to tell this person was a big step for me. This person praised a few of my efforts for a while, and then casually dropped a bomb shell on it this week. I don’t think it was said necessarily out of maliciousness or to shame me. But that was the results.

Honestly it broke my heart.When you love someone, and want them in your life, it makes you vulnerable. I can take the occasional heckler, or criticism from anonymous bloggers and laugh it off or roll my eyes. But it has been unbearable this last few days, dwelling on what was said, and then trying to second guess this persons motives. It put a damper on this hobby. I would look at my blog template and feel humiliated and hurt, when it used to fill me with a happy contentedness.

It is not easy trying to put a post together, making sure the sentence structure was the best I could do.(and yes it was a labor of love I enjoyed) Choosing what to write and trying to create the best story I could. I felt it was exercising my brain, and I would re read the post, what I put together and feel good about it. Maybe even some pride in my efforts. I kept my name anonymous in my blog, using the name Tamber instead of my real name Teri, because I didn’t want to risk criticism from people that I loved. My husbands name was changed to “Kevin”, more to keep him from any possible recognition at his work place.

Once I told this person about my blog, and a few slip ups from blogger friends, and my husband slipping up a few times, it seemed ridiculous to continue to use the pseudo name. My husband shall remain “Kevin” for the reason I listed. I didn’t take my husbands last name when we married, so being discovered by his work is slim to begin with.