I was over visiting Becky at http://beckypretz.blogspot.com/ and her topic was about a friend from her college days, who died, far before he should have. As well as what she desribed as the end of her innocence.

Of course this got me to thinking about the end of my innocence. I know the time. I have long since recognized it, for what it is/was. I know how old I was, I know exactly how it felt, the shock and the pain. In that sense, I feel I had awesome parents, as they protected (over protected?) me from the end of my innocence until I was an adult. And then fate intervened to an extent. Having never lost anyone who was very close to me to death.

So the end of my innocence came at the demise of my first marraige. When I had a three month old baby, and I walked away battered and bruised. Honestly, I had never even given thought to the fact that I was a battered wife. (Slow on the uptake I tell ya!) I left my first husband just days before my 21st birthday.

I had hidden the facts that I was being beaten, and abused from my parents. And was very good at presenting this picture perfect little family when they were around. I assumed that I pushed him to do it. If I was a better wife, or a better housekeeper, or I didn’t mouth off when he was drinking, on and on and on and on with the excuses.

And always I forgave him, and we played fappy little hamily in between torture sessions. What he, or I didn’t realize or expect, was that my sense of motherhood would be so strong, that there was no way in Hell that I would raise my son in this situation. He put him at risk a couple of times. The baby became the pawn, in which he tortured me with.

When I left him, and drove to my parents house, I unloaded. Every last gory detail of the abuse to my dad. So torn up that I didn’t notice the quiet rage building in my father’s eyes, as he calmly let me vent, asking questions to get a better understanding. I don’t know what I thought he would do. Somehow save my marraige and make him not hit me anymore? That wasn’t the case, he wanted me out, period. And met Kevin #1’s rage, with his own. (A post for another time)

So began the journey of single parenthood. The divorce I swore I would never have. All the Christian upbringing, and happily ever after fairytales came crashing down. The shock and pain, and loneliness was unbearable, or so I thought. I came full circle, when I finally admitted to myself, that it wasn’t him that I missed. It was my innocence. He took it from me. Or more to the point, I handed it to him on a silver platter. And for many years after that, what was born was a hardness towards men. A definite I’ll get mine, and men be damned outlook! Time heals wounds if you allow it to. And I did, and I do allow for it now.

The end of innocence is a hard one to swallow for some. It was for me. But with it comes some sense of wisdom, and lessons learned if you allow for it. I would not trade my life experiences for anything. They make me who I am today, and I happen to like that person.

So waht I wanna know, if you can remember is what age did you loose your innocence? Do you remember? Was it the death of someone close, or another life experience that took it? What did you learn about yourself thru it? If you can, tell me, I wanna know…