Of course I accepted his proposal, and was ecstatic! I loved this man, he was my best friend, and for well over a year, I was blissfully happy! I wanted to share my joy, the revelation of a real relationship, not living with deceit, pseudo-relationships and having love in my life. Our announcement was met with guarded congratulations from my family, as they had known of some of my past. And had not gotten to know Kevin to decide whether he was the wonderful man I had presented him as.
Kevin sent an email to his family members back East, announcing his engagement. Most of them had not met me, barring one of his younger brothers and his father, who had made one visit out while we were dating. At first what struck me as odd was not one member of his family had sent Congratulations on his impending nuptials. Perplexed at this lack of initial response, I assumed that every family’s dynamics are different. Admittedly, emotionally it hurt. Which really makes no sense, since none of them had met me, how could I take it personally? My family was supportive, albeit guardedly. Why wasn’t his?
About a week after his email announcement, which is probably not the best way to tell your extended family you will be marrying, I noticed in his email, an onslaught of quick emails and notes from a certain female. Who you now know as Troll. None were anything but innocent, but had a tone, that I recognized as familiar and intimate. Call me old fashioned, but as I had just discovered this late in life, the intimacy I had with my fiance, it made me nervous to see him sharing any with another woman. I hadn’t recognized her name as the casual live in, before he moved here.
This started me to snooping. By now he had moved a lot of his things into my home. As he spent every waking hour with me that wasn’t spent at work, we started the process of moving things from his house into mine. I started by grabbing a box of his “keepsakes,” which are many different newspapers that he had written for, and some from here in Arizona. There was her name on a couple of stories in the paper he worked for. This was all I needed to make me feel sick to my stomach and that maybe I didn’t have the whole story.
I confronted him with his keepsake articles and the fact that he had her articles in this box. He played it off as coincidence. And said the emails he shared with her were innocent, she was just a friend. Thanksgiving weekend came quite a few emails, and one he had written to her in the sent file, that had a definite wistful and intimate tone to it, although the sentiments were innocent enough. Every red flag in me went up! I demanded he end his friendship with his ex-lover. Which began a series of arguments that went clear through to the end of December.
The more I snooped, the more of his past that came to light, that lets just say didn’t resemble what he had revealed to me. The more the emails that came from Troll, the sicker I got. I knew in my gut, in my instinct, this woman wanted nothing more than to break up our engagement, and because my fiance was being less than forthright with me, I felt powerless to do anything about it.
So instead, I decided to go to the source. I called Troll up, since I found all of her information inside his email account. And before anyone bitches me out for snooping? Fuck off.(I mean that lovingly of course) 
I was out to save my relationship, and truly believed the only way to do that was to get at the truth. Any stone unturned could hold the key to the truth, and I had committed myself so completely to this man, I wasn’t going down without a fight. In my mind I believed he sold his right to privacy the first time he lied to me, betraying my trust. Especially since basically I had lived my whole life as lies in one form or another. And in him, thought I’d found my salvation.
This bitch in my mind was no match for me, as I know I had his love, if not his honesty. He had summed up this innocent friendship as not much more than he felt sorry for her. Which since I was not aware of just how many times he had screwed her over in that 16 years, not two that was casual, didn’t quite make sense to me. Troll dodged my calls for well over a week. I enlisted my girlfriends help, using their cell phones trying to get her to pick up, to no avail. The bitch would not pick up her phone. Kevin had just gotten on my cell phone account, and gotten a new phone, although his old one was still active, he just left it at my house. So in a last ditch effort, I used this one to call Troll, and of course she picked up this time.
At first, my anger and hatred were the root of the phone call, and she met it with her own. Mid sentence it struck me that if I wanted the truth, the only way to get at it, was to make her feel sorry for me. Or make her an “ally.” Knowing her reasons for doing so would be to end my relationship with Kevin. As the saying goes, Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. And one I have used off and on through life, usually for evil motives, was you get more flies with honey that you do with vinegar. Kevin came home mid conversation with the Troll, so I said I would like to talk with her some more, that I was confused about Kevin and his past. She ate it up hook line and sinker, and played her own agenda under the guise of giving me the truth.
The next day while I was at work, I sent her an email asking her to meet me for a drink, that I needed to talk, I was upset. She agreed to, and we met. Over a glass of wine, she gave me every rotten detail of this man’s past, including the awful things he had done to her several times over. The one sentence that stood out, after listening to her best effort to get me to call off our engagement, was “This man is dangerous Teri, he will hurt you and your children.” Now realize that “dangerous man” and “hurt you and your children” had far deeper meanings to me, due to my first husband. I was acquainted with a dangerous man, and this man was the most gentle and loving men I had ever met.
By now, I had lost around 10 pounds, not from a diet, but from being so sick to my stomach over Kevin’s lies, and this woman who would not go away. My wedding was only a week away, and I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. I had started having panic attacks to the point of not being able to breathe. All my cynicism about the male gender and their lack of any depth came front stage. (Yep, pretty much the last person who should be getting married in a week) I worked hard to trust this man, gave him my trust completely, let go of my cynicism that was there to protect myself emotionally for so many years. And in the end, I saw that I didn’t really know him at all. The betrayal in my heart was complete.
Throughout this whole process, Kevin would tell more lies to cover up the lies that would be uncovered, through the Troll, and the many boxes of his memorabilia I would go through. He always professed his love for me, although his honesty was something I knew he wasn’t giving me. Why I went ahead with the wedding, I’m not sure. But after meeting with Troll, I was more determined than ever to not let her break us up. One of the last emails I received from her, was one suggesting I make the ceremony a commitment ceremony, and not go through with the wedding. My only thought was “fuck you lady.” I knew without a doubt that even through everything he had put her through, she still wanted him back. During this time, she also had forwarded the original email of his announcing our engagement that had been forwarded by one of Kevin’s sisters to both her, and his ex-wife. So I now saw Kevin’s siblings (a select few actually) as my enemies as well. She had insinuated that this email was sent so that she could aid in breaking up Kevin’s engagement.
The day of our wedding, one of his brothers called him on four separate occasions, and I believed it was to hear that I had called off the wedding. As that was supposed to be Troll’s job, and I think she said she thought that was exactly what would happen. As I may have insinuated as much to her, when I quit emailing her before the wedding.
During our honeymoon on our cruise, my new husband told me he finally understood what it was I was saying, about sharing intimacy with anyone other than your spouse. That although they were not physically involved anymore, I still saw this as a betrayal. And now he understood this. My deep seeded hurt, anger and resentment at him for what he had put me through was still there, and as far as I was concerned, I was not done overturning the stones of his past. Not until I had it all out there.
A week after our honeymoon, began another 9 months of turmoil, brought on purely by my own actions.
Close it Up
Truth & Consequences or the Demons I Fight (Part 2)
