What I did next, that would last for several months, will probably have the few of you I actually have left reading this shaking your heads calling me the crazy bitch! In retrospect, I call myself a crazy bitch! But then if I had done it differently, it might have affected the outcome. And I would not have Kevin and me any other way then what and where we are now.

I wasn’t done snooping, by a long shot. I went through his computer with a fine tooth comb, and what I found only served to make me sicker. I remember when we established that we were exclusively dating each other. And the subtle gesture he made to prove his loyalty. As we had met on Udate, which has a public profile listed of all clients, we were for all intensive purposes continuing to get emails from prospective dates. He let me know he had ended and dismantled his profile on Udate. I reciprocated.

While snooping in his computer, I learned he had dismantled Udate. And then proceeded to sign up for every imaginable dating site I could find and think of. His profiles that I accessed were blatantly sexual in nature, and one of a man who was distinctly on the prowl. While snooping I also ran across evidence that he had paid for a dating site that requires you to pay before you can receive emails. I wrote the site administrators as if I were Kevin, asking for my payment history. My beloved had paid for an email two days before he asked me to marry him. This blow to my ego and my trust in him was so great it almost saw him and his things dumped unceremoniously in my front yard.

In my fit of rage, I dismantled most of the sites, a few I left up and “altered” to make him the biggest loser on the site. Yes I enjoyed a few morbid giggles over my childish gesture. At this point in our new marriage, I was ever so thankful for joint custody. Which allowed me the time to snoop, and to have the eventual knock-down- drag-out-rage-fueled fights that would ensue following the latest Kevin double life revelation.

The ironic thing is that all of his actions were done before we were married. Which I guess in his twisted sense of morality made them excusable. This man catered to my whims, loved me so completely and I know almost to the day when he came to the revelation that he wanted a complete commitment of life till death do us part. It did not change the past, or the lies he told to cover up his past indiscretions, including the ones that saw him playing out his familiar cycle with me. Part of why and how I love, which may seem narcissistic in nature, is how the person you love perceives you. Who you are though their eyes. He had destroyed all sense of my feeling lovable, and loved. I felt he was only a chameleon, and his interests had waned once he knew I had committed to him emotionally, physically and mentally. I was not special. I was one of a long line of females with different features that this narcissist gained his sense of desirability from, and then moved on.

So what did I do next? I invited the Troll into our home for Happy Hour. With him there. My motives for this action changed with my emotions. This would see her coming into our home sporadically for months. I also invited her to one of my “girls night out” events. All the gals from my office were going to see The Vagina Monologues, and out for dinner. Troll went along. I would find more and more things, hunting for the slightest sight of a lie from his past. Each time I found one, I would rage with a vengeance at this man. I emasculated him, humiliated him, called him every fucking nasty name I could strain my brain to hurl at him! I had such deep seeded rage and hatred, that I couldn’t understand why I still loved him. Or, why he stayed.

One of the side effects of having The Troll around so much is the stories she would inevitably tell of how hurt and betrayed she was by the million and one betrayals that Kevin had subjected her to. Which confused me even more. I was a woman, I had empathy for her pain, I felt her pain, and would vacillate back and forth from feeling so overwhelmed with pity and relating to her, to hating her guts. With each passing visit her motives did become more transparent, until basically she was hitting on him right in front of me! I’d had enough! And knew I was playing with fire that would burn us all. (OK, mainly I was concerned about me)

I had quit writing emails to her, unless she wrote me and then try and keep my responses to a minimum. I wrote emails saying things flippantly and derogatory about Kevin or his family, hoping to spark her rage, and make her go away. I knew she kept in contact not only with several of Kevin’s family members but his X-wife as well. Which truly amazed me, since she was the one who gave herself the credit for busting up his marriage.

One of the final straws was when I found Kevin’s big black box, that he had stuck in my shed, far to the back, on the highest shelf. Let me tell you guys something, nothing will stop a woman from getting at something you don’t want her to see, not heights, not the threat of being stung by scorpions in a dark shed, nothing. In that black box I found every love letter the Troll had ever written him over the 16 years, as well as most that came from his X wife as well. As well as a journal detailing his sexual fantasies, and which ones he had actually done. If you knew how he had portrayed himself with me, who he presented as Kevin, it could not have been further from what his past represented.