Go from writing whatever popped into my head, to censoring my posts for offendablility? (For the record, if that isn’t a word, tough-shit!) Ok, first I want to thank all of my blog friends for the Anniversary wishes. Thank-you. I really do love getting to know each of you!

What I have a problem with is me. Funny how what this Bloggiversary did was have me over analyzing shit again, although I see this as not necessarily a bad thing. But I did go back, and read some of my first few months of posts. What I saw, was someone unconcerned and who wrote whatever I felt like. Now? Now, I find myself censoring myself for an offendability scale. “No, I can’t post that, it might offend someone. When did I start caring what the Hell anyone thought of my personal journal?

This was set up as a personal diary, a place for me to dump whatever was on my mind, to re-tell a few stories from my past. This more so, in case I got Alzheimer’s and could no longer remember.(Yes this sounds a little neurotic and morbid, but it still is the truth.) I wanted kids to have a few tales from their mother’s past. And then. Something happened, that probably tells me a lot about myself in REAL LIFE. I censor myself, like I think we may all do at times in life. It’s part of polite society after all. You don’t go to a formal occasion and swear like a sailor. Business dinners or my husbands work socializing, you don’t bring up politics or religion.

In reality, on the whole I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about politics, except to say I think the current administration is slowly eating away at citizens’ rights. And most politicians, in my estimation, have been bought and sold more then a 50-year-old life long hooker! Religion? I have no use for it! It is a collection of tiny little governments. I have often said to my father I saw churches as the pastors’, fathers’ ministers’ (Whatever you chose to call them) little kingdoms. What was preached from a lot of the pulpits is whatever would mass manipulate the crowd into whatever the church leaders’ agenda was. A polluted version of the Gospel.

I found myself sitting here today, irritated with myself, and with my blog.I used to feel revived or satisfied after dumping some shit here. Now I am back to feeling pent up, with nowhere to just let go, when this is the place that was intended for it. I have set myself up again. Usually when I paint myself into a corner, I jump and run! Friendships, relationships, jobs. If I felt the need to censor my words, for my own unhealthy “need to please” eventually I would bail out.

The fact is, this is my personal journal. Where I planned on dumping my bad days, my bullshit, even my overly melodramatic emotions, of which there are tons! My grammar, sentence structure and spelling are NOT that of a journalist, writer or intellectual. Somewhere along the line here, I attempted to “measure up.” And I am angry at myself for falling into that all too familiar trap!

One of the comments congratulating me on my Bloggiversary said something at just the right moment that set me off. He said, “Congratulations to the blog you and the real you.” Well shit! And here I thought it was one and the same. Unwittingly he spoke the truth. My feelings, my concern, my love for so many I have gotten to know are sincere. But I can’t help but feel I have put myself out there as Betty Homemaker, campaigning for Mother of the Year. And that just couldn’t be further from the truth.

I am a high school graduate with very little college, only the minimal technical training I received for the pharmacy technicians training program. I swear like a sailor. My natural inclination is one of a lazy hedonist. I’m one of the moodiest bitches I have ever known! I HATE cleaning house! My computer desk has coffee cup ring stains and ashes all over it, with papers trailing all around me with notes, and bills and the latest 10 catalogs that I might want to order from someday. I have suffered from clinical depression MOST of my adult life that I take medication for. I spent a good deal of my second marriage running around behind my husband’s back and partying like there was no tomorrow. I am a Christian who believes in my salvation, and my need for it! I pray often, daily, for many people as well as myself, and do believe I’m saved whether I swear like a sailor, never do more with my life then what I’m doing right now, never manage to quit smoking, or quit complaining when things are not perfectly the way I want them. I am basically a shitty mother! I love my kids with all of my heart, I want to be a good mother, but my patience by the end of a day with these darling little rugrats is so shot to Hell I could easily walk out the door and not want to come back. I’m high-strung, neurotic and melodramatic. I find laughter and humor in most things others would find offensive. I’m sensitive and care deeply when those I care about are in pain. I want to fix it. I want to be liked. But I want that to be based on who I really am. Bad shitty days, foul mouthed, off-the-cuff bullshit rants and all!

If I have presented any other persona than what I just listed in this previous paragraph, then I have majorly gotten off track from my original intent. And in so doing have short changed myself. I’m not even sure if I can bring it back around to my original intent. I feel I have lost my ability to just be who I am, and vomit words all over this page if I choose to. I really would like that back. I’m just not sure if I can do it.